Page 71 of Nice Guys Don't Kiss Like That At Christmas
Julie
I will END you.
Poppy
Ignore them.Maybe he's moving to Chicago!And fate will bring you back together after your contract ends!
Me
I actually don't even know where he's going.He’s leaving Pine Creek, taking some teaching position, but we've both been so busy I haven't asked for details.He could be heading to the other side of the world.
Claire
And you haven't asked because...?
Me
(types, deletes) On this note… I got to go to work.
I haven't asked because I'm worried this will cement the fact that I care.And I can't care.The cautiously optimistic feeling I had at Rosie's?It's still there, but buried under work anxiety, Chuck's texts, and the terrifying realization that I'm making Christmas pickle ornaments and actually enjoying it.Every time that feeling surfaces, I mentally prescribe myself a heavy dose of reality.Side effects include: career focus, emotional distancing, and an inability to ask one simple question about Mr.Large Hands’ future plans.
Day 4:Failed to connect with Mr.Gunter even after he mentioned his Christmas ornament collection.I could have shared about my grandfather's heart waiting for me back at the B&B.Could have made a real connection.Instead, my throat tightened and I nodded mechanically, sounding like a medical robot."Some people don't get it," he said, "but looking at it makes me smile because my wife made it with her hands and her own heart."I mumbled about the need for proper ornament storage.Chuck would have been proud of my clinical distance.I wasn't.Didn’t even get him to agree to be more careful with his medication.
Day 5:Probably confused the heck out of Liz with my color-coding system for patients.She’s been looking at me weird all day.
Work hasn't gotten any better.No matter how hard I try there's something I cannot do.Something I can't get over with.
"And then we keep checking every hour to see if your levels are better."I'm explaining the blood glucose monitor to Megan while her father signs paperwork with Dr.Harrison."See, when the number goes up or down, it tells us what your body needs."
"But it pinched," Megan's eyes fill with tears as she looks at the small bandage where I'd done her finger stick."The other nurse said I wouldn't feel anything."
My first instinct is to go clinical: explain nerve endings and capillary blood draws.Instead, I remember what Adam said about trusting myself.
And I do.In this moment, I do.
I crouch down to her level."You're right.It can pinch for some people."
Her eyes widen in surprise.
"Doctors and nurses sometimes say 'you won't notice it' because we hope it won't bother you.But you're the expert on your own body's sensations."I pull out my stethoscope."Want to hear something cool?"
She nods, tears forgotten.
"This is how I hear your heartbeat."I place it against her chest."But you can detect it right now without any tools.Try it."
I guide her small fingers to her pulse point.
"That's me?"Her face lights up with wonder.
"That's all you.Your own personal drum set."
She giggles, then throws her arms around my neck.The unexpected hug freezes me for a second before I gently return it.
"Miss Eve?"she asks, pulling back."Are you coming to the gingerbread house competition next weekend?Uncle A said you might be busy, but my best friend and I are entering for the kids' category and I want you to see my special Santa hat.Uncle A.made it."
Those eyes.So, earnest and hopeful.This is exactly the kind of attachment I've been trying to avoid because I once was told I wasn’t maternal or nice or sweet and yet."I—"
"Megan, let Nurse Eve finish her work," Wes says, appearing at the doorway with Dr.Harrison.
