Page 79 of Nice Guys Don't Kiss Like That At Christmas
“No.Just...unfamiliar.Weird.Because it feels weirdly safe,” I murmur before I can stop myself.“That’s the weird part.”I pick at the waffle wrapper.“I’m almost not waiting for the other shoe to drop.And my shoulders are actually relaxed.No tension headache.”
“I’m basically medicine, is what you’re saying?”
“Yep.You should be FDA approved.”
He smiles at me.“I’m so glad all the medical progress.I know chemo must have been harsh and hard.I’m glad it saved you even if it hurt you, too.”
“Me too.”
“And I’m not glad your ex was an asshole but man am I glad you’re here.”
I wave at Megan who waves back at me and clear my throat.“You know what fucked me up most about Chuck?Not even the cheating.It was the manipulation.The white lies to make himself look better not once, twice, but all the time.And then with Jennie?Finding out half the hospital knew and I didn’t.Hell, the cafeteria lady gave me pity free coffee for weeks before I figured out why.”
Adam’s hand tightens slightly.
“That’s what I can’t shake,” I continue.“Being the last to know about my own life.Walking around like an idiot while everyone else had the full picture.”I sigh.“And finding myself trying to gather pieces of myself I didn’t even remember existed.And yet, I can’t go home to Cape Cod for more than a week without feeling like I’m being measured against who I used to be.Or pitied for who I became.I don’t know what’s worse.The secrets or the silence."
"But why do you want to go back to Chicago?Isn't it where the secrets were?"
"You mean people knowing about Chuck and Jennie?Him lying to me while he built a different life while making me smaller and smaller?"
He nods, his jaw clenching.
"Going back to Chicago on my terms feels like proving to everyone and to me that I can do this.Going back to Cape Cod would be like admitting one more failure.On the bright side, thanks to Chuck, at least this time, I’d know if someone was keeping something from me,” I joke, even though the laugh that follows doesn’t sound like mine.
“That’s not—” he starts, then stops.
“Not what?”
“Nothing.Just...that’s shit.What he did."He pauses before adding, "You weren’t an idiot,” he says quietly.“You were trying to love someone who didn’t know how to show up.Someone who manipulated you."
“Yeah, well.”I lean into his warmth without meaning to.“Right now, I feel… I don’t know like maybe I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes.”The words feel raw, unarmored, like I’ve stepped out of my scrubs without realizing it.Maybe that’s what trust is.Risking frostbite for a little warmth. “And I’m glad… I’m glad to be here with you.For now.And then wherever you go next…” I shiver.“I hope it’s warm so I can come visit during winter.”
The silence stretches a beat too long.
I refuse to let my chest tighten.“I didn’t mean… It sounded like I was inviting myself.”
“Right,” he finally says, but something in his voice sounds off.
I glance at him.There’s something in his expression I can’t read.“You okay?”
“Yeah.”He clears his throat.“Just...glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” I admit, and mean it.
“Listen… I…” His gaze flickers away.I tell myself it’s the cold, the noise, anything but distance.For once, I don’t want to suspect the worst.
Megan and Wes hurry back our way and whatever else he wanted to tell me stays up in the air.
Adam’s hand finds my thigh and rubs a circle right where my fingers tap against my pants as Sally steps toward us.Her limp still isn’t back.“Adam, we need you for the costume change.”
“Costume change?”
“Oh, yes.Adam makes the perfect Santa.”
But she doesn’t stop there.
“Santa needs an elf,” she tells me.
