Page 50 of Coiled Tight
“Okay.”
Was that the right answer? I never knew what to do with myself when people asked me to breathe. I understood what they were doing and why, but it left me feeling small and insecure, and focusing on breathing was actually harder than they realized.
“In through your nose, out through your mouth,” he directed.
That did make it a bit easier. Not as overwhelming when I didn’t have to remember the steps on top of everything else.
“Sorry,” I managed after taking my first full breath.
Fuck, this was embarrassing. My hands curled into fists. It was that or starting to tremble. Saúl covered one of mine with one of his, which made it better and warmer andsafer. He was good at knowing when I needed that extra sense of safety. It was almost unfair.
“Do you need water or something?”
I shook my head, then turned to Damian.
“It’s not you, it’s me?” I grimaced. Yeah, that had soundedbetter in my head. “I’m not… I wanna be edged. To be clear. It’s not that. I don’t know what’s coming over me. I mean, I know I have panic attacks, obviously, but it never happens when I’m talking bout kink or?—”
“Breathe.”
Okay, thatbreatheworked better—simply because there was barely contained frustration in it that forced me to stop. And I knew it wasn’t about breathing this time, which also took some of the weight off. Saúl wasn’t the first person to point out that I spoke too fast, and it was hard to understand me when I did. Not that I thought that was why he’d cut me off.
“So.” I nodded to myself. “Um. Sorry about that. Can we go to your playroom now so I can prove I’m the biggest masochist around?”
Damian laughed, completely delighted. “You’re a bundle of chaos, aren’t you?”
“Pot, meet kettle.”
The mumbled words had Saúl mimicking Damian’s laugh, which was much better. His laughter was just superior. It was grumbly and came straight from the belly, and it wrapped its arms around me and didn’t let go until warmth had seeped all over.
“Let’s get this over with.” Saúl sighed, clapping his hands against his thighs.
“You don’t have to make it sound like it’s putting you out,” I complained.
Did I understand what he was saying? Yes. Did I care enough to not stir trouble? Nope.
eighteen
saúl
You don’t have to make it sound like it’s putting you out.
The words repeated in my head as I followed Damian and Cam down the stairs to the basement. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t have chosen any of the rooms that sat empty and got better light and fresh air on a more daily basis, but he was my best chance to have a proper playroom that didn’t involve a club I was trying to avoid, or setting up something back home I wouldn’t be able to explain to meddling family members, so…
Beggars can’t be chooserswas a saying for a reason.
The second Damian turned on the lights, he didn’t have time to show Cam around or do much of anything. The boy rushed toward a large swing that stood toward the middle of the room—a beauty of padded leather I’d helped Damian with as he’d started piecing this place together. Cam ran his fingers over the edges of the seat, then the leather cuffs for the wrists and ankles. Time slowed down as I watched him.
If I didn’t think I had it bad for him before, this sealed the deal for me. All thoughts fled the room as I startedwalking toward him. There was no hesitation as I swooped an arm around his waist and pressed him against my back.
“You’re feeling good about this?”
I felt his body go still against my hold before he gulped and nodded. “I mean, are you? I didn’t really ask, I just started panicking about everything else.”
“It’s okay.” I didn’t want to build a habit of cutting him off, but I’d seen firsthand how he could go from 0 to 100 with his anxiety when he started overthinking or trying to guess other people’s moods or thoughts. “I’m good.”
“Okay.” He swallowed. “So, is there a plan I don’t know about? Because D-types always have plans, so I’m just checking. And letting you know it’s not very nice to have all these plans that don’t involve us.”
“Oh, my plans involve you all right,” I teased, “but no, I didn’t know Damian would want to see you cry.”
