Page 14 of Noah
Noah disagrees, the confession so honest and vulnerable that he wouldn’t dream of making fun of him. He takes a sip of his water, trying to give Jensen some mental space after the revelation.
“Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer,” Jensen asks.
“Uh oh. That kind of question. Go for it,” Noah says, winking.
“Have you ever had a relationship where you were equal with your partner? Just a normal relationship?”
“No. Can’t say I have.”
“Have you…considered it?”
“Of course. A lot. Do you know who spends the most amount of time analyzing themselves? People who don’t want normal things. I have thought endlessly about the fact that my first crush was Rhett from Gone With the Wind. Being hauled upstairs while I protested is the first fantasy I can remember. My best friend thought I was crazy. He was gay, but he wasn’t kinky, and we both saw the same movie, and he said it was outdated and rapey. I thought it was perfect. He was horrified. Finding BDSM was a relief. It meant there were others like me.”
“Right. That makes sense. Though it doesn’t sound like you’ve had very good luck dating people in the scene.”
The waitress puts their food down and they each take a few bites before Noah answers.
“One bad man doesn’t mean you never date again. Not all of my relationships have been bad. Some of them just haven’t worked out or whatever.”
“So even though this last relationship hasn’t gone well, this is still what you’d want? What you’ll look for next time?”
“I mean…hopefully not what I had before. I don’t actually want someone who doesn’t love me. Or who is cruel. I wouldn’t be a slave again. I think I’ve got that out of my system. But having a man I can rely upon who wants to take care of me, who knows how to treat me in and out of the bedroom…I do want that. I’ll always want that.”
He can practically see Jensen thinking.
“So what will you look for? Is it still a master?”
“I don’t know. A dom, I guess.”
“What about a daddy?”
The hair on the back of his neck rises. He chews slowly, staring at his half-empty plate, trying to keep his expression neutral, though his heart is suddenly pounding.
“Why?” He asks, and Jensen frowns.
“I’m just curious. From what little I know it seems like a much kinder dynamic.”
“Well, I haven’t had a lot of success finding a man who can be a good master or dominant let alone a good daddy,” he says, almost stumbling over the word. He takes another bite of his sandwich.
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s like…I can’t find a horse, and you’re saying ‘get a unicorn.’ And there are some things about daddy/little relationships I don’t think I would want,” he says, hoping that’s an end to it. Or a possible derailment into what sort of kinky things he wouldn’t like if he did find a daddy. Much easier to talk about diapers and time-outs than whether or not he deserves a kind but strict daddy.
“Couldn’t you just say what you wouldn’t want?”
He shrugs. “Maybe. I mean, sure, in theory. But it just feels vulnerable. If I was in that sort of relationship and it didn’t go well, I’d definitely have a hard time recovering. I think it’d be a mind fuck and a half.”
“So it isn’t that you’re against having a daddy/boy dynamic, it’s that it’s even harder to find a good one?”
“I guess,” he says, annoyed to even be talking about it. “You know what? You’d be a good daddy,” he says, mainly so someone else can be uncomfortable for a while.
“You think so?” He asks and manages to sound like it’s a sincere question. He doesn’t look nearly as discomfited as Noah had hoped.
“Absolutely. You’re kind, attentive, hot, pay attention to who you’re with, you eat ice cream and go to toy stores—“
“To be fair it’s the same shop.”
“Well, yeah, but it was your suggestion. You give compliments and are willing to learn to cuddle. Yeah, you’d be a great daddy. Shit, let’s go find you a boy right now,” he says, and a sudden urge to both cry and destroy something rises up within him. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he says and shoves up from the table.
