Page 22 of Noah
What if it feels too good to say that word to the right man? How does he give it up? The offer is a night, just a few hours to call Jensen daddy and it might be so amazing that he’ll never be the same again.
Even if it continues beyond tonight, he’ll have to stop calling him daddy at some point. Surely it won’t be too long before Jensen realizes what a bad bargain Noah is.
If Noah was smart, he’d at least think about saying no to spending the evening as if they are daddy/boy, but he isn’t smart. And he wants it so much, even if it is just for a little while and even if it will make everything worse once it’s gone, that all he can do is say yes. Which means that he needs to call him daddy.
He has to get over the bigness of the word.
The loud shower is a perfect place to practice.
“Daddy,” he whispers, forcing himself to say the word aloud. It’s a powerful word, a word that raises goosebumps on his skin and has his cock leaking, so exciting that a heavy dribble of pre-come slides down his shaft. He turns, letting the water wash it away, the heat and insistent pressure against the head of his cock has him swallowing back a moan, abruptly desperate to come.
He’s used to desperation.
‘None of that now. Pleasure isn’t for you,’ he can practically hear Johann saying. He turns the shower off and takes a few deep breaths to let the desire settle again. He knows better. And the truth is that for most of his life he’s liked denial, he’s liked the heaviness in his balls and the ease with which it means he gets turned on. He liked how it made the men who used him happy, to see him so responsive and able to come with very little stimulation.
Desperate for it. That was him.
But just like everything else in his life, Johann has taken advantage of that too, twisted it into something that is no longer pleasurable. And he’s been denied for so long, has spent so many months and days, maybe even years, being miserable that this just feels like more punishment.
Which means he should come if he wants to. Why the hell not?
He doesn’t even try.
How fucked up is it that his body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to him anymore? Even when he hates Johann and doesn’t want to go back to him, even when the last thing he wants is to let that man have access to his body or his mind, the truth of it is that at least part of the reason he isn’t going to touch himself is that Johann would be angry.
The man still has that hold upon him.
He dries himself quickly, all thoughts of putting lotion on his body and smelling nice forgotten in his haste to get to Jensen. Jensen will keep thoughts of Johann away. He gets to go to his daddy.
He’s never had one before.
What a joke.
If Jensen knew how filthy he was, and how much Johann had abused and despised him by the end, he wouldn’t be looking at Noah with lust.
He opens his drawer, and stares down at the jockstraps, all of which Johann had procured for him. All of which have been worn for another man, and which represent misery. The idea of putting anything that belonged to Johann on his body and presenting himself to someone as good as Jensen, makes him feel sick.
He scrabbles through the drawer looking for something else, anything deserving of Jensen but there’s nothing. He hauls the drawer out in a burst of fury that leaves as quickly as it arose, and then he’s crying. Disgusted with himself and the fact that he can’t be what Jensen deserves.
He doesn’t realize Jensen is there until his hands are sliding up and down his arms. “Sweetheart,” he murmurs, trying to rub calm into him.
Noah makes a weak attempt to get away, but fortunately, Jensen doesn’t let go, and he gets to collapse into his embrace.
“It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting. Everything I own is his. Why would I bring that to you? You deserve someone better than me. You’re going to realize it and then what am I going to do? I can’t survive without him and he was a fucking monster! Do you think I can have something nice from you and then give it up? How would I do that?” he practically yells, hysterical.
What would Johann do to him if he heard Noah speaking this way? What will Jensen do? He flinches. “I’m sorry!”
“Noah, stop. This is your home. You can stay here with me as long as you want to. Please, baby. Please,” he says, and kisses him on the forehead, almost too hard, as if he’s going to burn affection into him.
But his voice is soft and gentle, and his touch is kind, and he wouldn’t hurt Noah in a million years because he isn’t like anyone Noah has ever been with before.
“Don’t let me go. I’m not stupid. You’re the best thing that could ever happen to me. I can see it. I know it. And I’m terrified I’m going to fuck it all up.”
“You’re not. You aren’t. My good boy,” he says and kisses Noah on the cheek. Noah lifts his head so the next one is on the mouth. Jensen pulls back, not letting him push for more.
“Make me yours. I want to be your boy. I want you to be my daddy. I—“
“Shh. Don’t bring him here. You’re not leaving. You can’t go to him. He can’t have you anymore. You’re here and you’re mine. My boy,” he says, and his voice breaks and that’s good. That’s proof that this isn’t pity. That he means something to Jensen.
