Page 18 of Rescued Hearts
Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I opened my text thread with Levi. I never responded after his apology this morning, getting swept up in karate prep. And because I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t want him to be sorry or feel like he couldn’t be himself around me. It made me feel fragile, like he was waiting for me to break somehow. That wasn’t me. Or at least, I was trying not to be like that.
I typed a response, deleted it, typed it again. Nothing felt right. I wanted to say something more than just “Don’t be sorry.”I needed him to know how much last night meant to me. That I hadn’t thought about Jeremy once in those hours I spent with him. That I felt safe with him. Safer than I had in years. But I also didn’t want to overstep and make him uncomfortable.
Me:Please don’t wrap me in bubble wrap like everyone else Levi. You’re the only one who hasn’t treated me like I’m something broken and I need that.
I forcedmyself to press send, and then quickly sent a picture of Luke in his gi, telling him about our newest adventure so that he didn’t feel pressured to respond to what I said. And then I made myself put my phone away so I didn’t check it every five seconds for his response, and spent the rest of the night with my family.
“Helloooo?”Anna laughed, waving her hand in my face.
I jumped, and everything came rushing back in. The low chatter of parents, the squealing laughter of kids in gis down on the mat, the faint smell of sweat. “Sorry. What?”
“I asked if you got the match schedule already or if you want me to text it to you. But you’re clearly thinking about something else.”
I was. Ever since it came through late last night, Levi’s response has been playing in my head on a loop.
Levi Hollis:You’re not broken Tess. Not by a long shot.
Levi Hollis: Tell Luke he looks cool. Let me know when his first game (match?) is. I want to come.
Levi Hollis: If that’s okay with you of course.
He didn’t thinkI was broken. He wanted to be involved in my son’s life. But was that just as a friend, like the McLeod boys? Or more? It was way past the line of professionalism to even be wondering, but I couldn’t help it when he said things like that. When he made me feel like I was more than pieces that needed to be mended back together.
“Yes. Please text it to me,” I told Anna. I shook my head, letting out a sigh and resting my chin on my propped-up hands. The sound of kids grunting in unison rang through the gym. “Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now. But I’m really glad Luke is going this. I think it’ll be good for him.”
We watched our boys, both of them attempting to do front kicks and nearly toppling over. A few of the other kids fell flat on their faces. “Luke’s really good,” Anna said. “Better than Henry was on his first day. He lost it and asked if we could leave three minutes in. But we’re teaching him about making commitments and told him he signed up, so he had to stick it out for the rest of the class, and he ended up loving it.”
That’s smart of them. I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t have caved if Luke had asked me to leave. I gave in to his whims way too much, and I knew that was a fast track to raising a spoiled brat, but I didn’t think Luke was capable of that. He was too sweet. Too caring.
I sighed, my knee bouncing while I watched Luke. I squinted one eye shut as he bowed so low I thought he’d tip over onto his face. He didn’t.
Anna angled her body towards mine while keeping a hand on Hattie’s baby carrier, rocking it gently. “Want to talk about it?”
“Talk about what?”
She smirked. “Whatever you’re huffing and puffing about.”
I ran my hands over my face. “Where do I even begin?” I mumbled into my palms.
“Wherever you want.”
I straightened, steeling myself. “I agreed to sign Luke up for this because I think it’ll make him feel better…safer,” I added, quieter. He was focused and determined, with something to focus on now. And for the first time in a long time, I believed that maybe, just maybe, we’d be okay as I watched him with the other kids.
But it still felt too fragile. Like if Jeremy opened the right door, said the right name, he could find us and rip it all away. That thought never really left.
Anna’s smile faded. I think she had expected me to say something about Levi, not this. “Because of what happened with Jeremy?”
“Yeah.” I picked at my nails. “He has nightmares…we both do. Luke’s are terrible, though. He wakes up screaming. Sometimes he wets the bed.” I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to stop the swell of emotions rising. “I just feel like it’s all my fault,” I admitted shakily. “I couldn’t stop him. Couldn’t stop Luke from seeing it.” I brushed a tear away as it fell. “It’s our job as parents to protect our kids, and I-I failed him.”
Anna’s arm went around my shoulders, tucking me into her side. “It’s not your fault, Tess. You had no way of knowing this would happen. You were trapped in an awful situation, and you got out. That’s all that matters.” She let me go and wiped my tears away with a gentle smile. “Now it’s time for you to rebuild. Luke’s starting with karate, and now it’s time for you to find something, too.”
I nodded. “I was thinking that yesterday when Luke brought this up. I just don’t know what I’d do.”
“Maybe you should talk to someone.”
My brows pulled together. “Like a therapist?”
She nodded. “I’ve been talking to Delilah.” My head reared back, confused. I knew Delilah was a therapist, but I didn’t know Anna was seeing her. Or that something like that waseven allowed. “After Hattie, I could feel the baby blues coming. I wanted to get ahead of it before it became full-blown postpartum depression.”
