Page 72 of Wreck Me
“I had to go tell Margot and Abby that the man they loved was gone. I changed their lives forever today.” He shoved a hand through his hair, causing the short strands to stand up. “It’s not like it was the first time I’ve had to give this news to people I knew. But today was different…”
“Well, I-I’m sure it—”
“It made me think of when they came to the house and told my mother my father was dead. I was thirteen when I answered the door to find them standing there, changing our lives. I knew right then and there I never wanted to feel the pain I saw my mom go through. I never wanted to be close enough to a human to be hurt that way.”
He sighed and continued pacing. Megan’s heart raced in her chest, wondering where he was going with all this. Her gut told her that something had shifted today, and she was going to be on the losing end of the deal.
He continued. “It’s part of why I was a good soldier and why I’m a good sheriff. I can compartmentalize that. Besides my family, I don’t let myself get close ever. I have rules to keep that from happening.” He stopped, his chest heaving, and looked over at her. “And then you showed up and everything went right out the window.” His words were laced with a bitterness that sliced right through her.
“Who are you trying to protect? Yourself?”
“Me, everyone around me. In my line of work, I can’t make mistakes. I can’t be emotional. I vowed that day when my father died that I would protect my family. The only ones I let in. I would protect them from what I could, however I could, and for me that means keeping emotion out of it.”
Megan shook her head, confused and her heart aching. “I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying that I can’t think or do my job when you’re in my head, Megan. I broke my own rules and now I’m paying for it by letting emotions in. I can’t do that.”
He blew out a breath and looked away. “Today reminded me of what I need to do. Who I need to be. And that means that this thing,”—he waved a hand between them—“whatever it is, has to end.”
Her breath caught in her throat. “What about last night?”
“What about it, Megan? We fucked. We had a good time. Let’s leave it at that.”
Anger and mortification mixed together to form a potent concoction that was liable to kill her. “That’s all this was to you? Fucking?”
He held out his arms to the side. “What else did you think this was? Huh? We’ve always had an expiration date. You were here until your car was fixed and you could leave town. Hell, you have a job waiting for you in Florida. Your brother is expecting you to run his bar.”
He advanced on her. “So you tell me, Megan, what the hell did you think this was other than a good time?”
She shook her head and looked away, her jaw set. The worst part was he wasn’t wrong. The trees beyond the deck blurred from the tears. “I-I thought that maybe we could try to work something out.”
“No, that’s never going to happen.”
“But why?”
Aidan sighed and closed the distance between them, taking her hands in his. He wouldn’t look her in the eye. “Megan, listen to me. I can’t be who you want me to be. I’m not built to be anyone’s someone. I will only hurt you.”
“You don’t think you’re hurting me now?”
He was silent for a long moment before speaking again. “I think the hurt you feel now will fade.” He brought his gaze up to hers. “One day you’re going to find the man you’re supposed to be with. And when you do, I’ll just be a memory to you. A guy you spent a couple of weeks with having great sex. I’m just a blip in your life, Megan.”
“No, you’re wrong, Aidan. I love you.”
“No!” He pushed away, running both hands through his hair as he paced away and then back to her. “You don’t loveme.You love love. You told me that yourself. And I don’t want to be another mistake for you.”
She shook her head. “This is different, Aidan. I’ve never felt this way about a man, the way I feel about you.” She scoffed. “And I’ve been in ‘love’”—she made air quotes—“enough to know that what we have is different. What I feel for you is different than anything I’ve felt for anyone else. I know this is real. Why won’t you let me in?”
“I don’t believe you. I don’t think you really know what’s real and what isn’t. Can’t you see this for what it is? The sex is amazing. You literally blow my mind. But I don’t do love and you can’t help but love. It’s just who we are. And outside of sex, we just don’t work. We never will.”
Her body was numb. If her heart was beating, she had no idea. And her brain waded through molasses, unable to process what had happened between them.
“I just…” She raised a hand to her forehead. “Last night we were in complete sync. Ifeltyou let me in. Lower your walls. Now you’re shutting me out again. It’s enough to give a girl whiplash.”
He looked away toward the placid lake beyond the trees. When he looked back at her, his eyes were calm, cold pools of blue. It made her shiver as the breeze blew.
All of the walls were firmly back in place.
And she was on the outside of them.
