Page 45 of A Winter Courtship
He just hoped he had that chance.
ChapterTwenty-Nine
Lutoth raced and climbed through the night. At first, he just flowed with the wind, becoming one with it as he drifted any way and anywhere, letting the wind guide him.
But as he travelled, his mind conjured up someone. Someone he hadn’t seen in over a year. Someone who, no matter what he did, still influenced his life. Someone he could not escape.
His mother.
He closed his eyes as he moved, bringing her image to his mind. He didn’t know how it worked. He didn’t know how he knew exactly where to go in order to reach her, but he did. He flew through valleys, scaling up and down mountains, along and over streams.
Then he sensed her.
Lutoth slowed on the cliff top and then came to a complete stop, staring at the woman in front of him. She sat on the edge, legs swinging, wearing a gauzy white dress. Long white hair floated in waves around her.
She turned as he approached. “Lutoth!” she said, voice breathy and soft. She jumped to her feet and ran towards him. She opened her arms and hugged him close. “I’m so happy to see you!”
But he remained firm in her arms.
This was the woman who had raised him. Loved him. Cared for him. And just being in her arms and smelling her familiar scent comforted him in a way nothing could.
Still, she had hurt him. Even if she’d never meant to.
“I’m not you!” he choked. “But no matter how hard I try to show everyone, I can’t escape it.”
“What?” His mother pulled back. She cupped his cheeks, eyes widened in alarm. “What are you talking about?”
He pulled from her embrace. She made a pained noise, but he didn’t relent. He’d never told her how he truly felt. It just seemed easier not to, to just let everything lie. But he couldn’t anymore.
“Why did you have to leave him?” he said. “You hurt Father so much. Why couldn’t you have at least told him you were leaving? He wasn’t even there when I was born!”
Her lips trembled. “It’s who we are, my love,” she said, voice small. “We’re sylphs. No one believes a sylph stays still.”
“But I didn’t even know him. I should have had at least a chance to get to know my own father!” he shouted. “You denied me that. Growing up, I only had fragments of time with him.”
“I’m sorry…” She clutched a hand to her chest. “I thought…”
He turned his back on her and walked to the edge. He didn’t know why he’d come here. He didn’t know what he thought he’d achieve by seeing his mother, by confronting her after all these years.
“I’m not you,” he said.
She didn’t speak for several moments. “I know, Lutoth.”
He laughed. “You’re the only one. I feel like I am always trying to make up for what you did and show everyone that I’m not you. Because I’m not.” He swallowed and kept his gaze on the grey sky above.
Snowflakes drifted down.
“I’m not you. I’m not.” Tears stung his eyes. “But if I’m honest, sometimes I think… Sometimes I fear I am exactly like you. And if that’s true… That means I will never be able to have the life I want.”
“What do you mean? What life do you want?” she asked.
“I want a home! I want someone to love and who loves me in return. And I thought that someone was Ulrich—” He snapped his mouth shut. “I want a place where I can get to know those who live there. I want to know the mountains and rocks that surround me. I want a place where I belong. And I want to share that with someone.”
He turned to his mother and found her watching him steadily.
“But then I hear the wind call to me, and it’s so hard to resist.” He squeezed his eyes shut, taking deep breaths, scared to speak the next words, the words he’d tried to block from his mind. “And deep down, I always feared I would leave Ulrich. That’s why I ignored the wind. I was terrified I’d end up abandoning him without a word like you did to Father.”
And perhaps that was why Ulrich’s words cut so deep. Because he worried Ulrich saw the truth. That deep down Lutoth really was fickle. Unreliable. Flighty. Exactly like his mother. That one day he would leave, abandoning those he loved.
