Page 52 of A Winter Awakening
Gael pursed his lips. He tried to slow his heartbeat. All he’d known was that he needed to stop Orteo from leaving. He loved him too much to let him walk away. But now he didn’t know what to say.
Orteo had said so much. And Gael understood so little. The words Orteo had said moved through his head, but he couldn’t sort them out and make sense of them.
“I didn’t know about your sister.” Gael blurted the first thing that came to his mind.
And he realised that hurt. Because Gael had shared everything with Orteo. But Orteo hadn’t. He’d carried his pain on his own.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Gael asked.
“I didn’t want you to know.” Orteo’s head hung. “You look at me like I’m someone amazing. Like I’m someone who deserves your affection. I didn’t want you to stop looking at me like that.”
“Why would your sister dying change that?” It didn’t make sense to Gael.
“Because how can you still love me knowing I abandoned my sister’s sons?” Grief and sadness etched into Orteo’s face. “After she died, everything hurt too much… And I just couldn’t… I couldn’t… So I left.”
A lump formed in Gael’s throat. “I’m sorry you lost your sister.” What would he do if he lost Gracie? Would Gael be able to pull himself together and look after Gracie’s children, if she had any?
Definitely not. Even if he wasn’t grieving, Gael couldn’t look after two boys. He couldn’t even look after himself.
“Wait,” Gael said. “I didn’t think you were that much older than Ori.”
“I’m five or six years older.”
“How old were you when your sister died?” Gael asked.
“Seventeen.”
“How could you have cared for Ori and his brother at seventeen?” Gael said.
“I could have cared for them,” Orteo said firmly.
“Alone?”
“A throuple had already taken them in when their parents died. I was away travelling.” Orteo’s hands clenched. “But when I came back, I should have looked after them.” Orteo squeezed his eyes shut.
Gael didn’t know what to say. Maybe Orteo was right. Maybe he should have looked after them. Still, Gael felt Orteo was being too hard on himself.
Orteo’s breathing was uneven. Gael had never seen Orteo like this, so torn and wounded. He’d always presented himself as so together. So in control. So perfect.
But he wasn’t. He was flesh and blood. And grief and regret clung to him like a second skin. How long had Orteo held onto this pain on his own?
It hit Gael with a shock that Orteo might actually need Gael. Might need to rely on him and might need Gael for comfort and support. Guilt followed from that thought. Because whilst Orteo had always cared for him, Gael had never even tried to care for Orteo.
“I’m so sorry you went through all that.” Gael placed a hand on Orteo’s arm.
Orteo opened his eyes. Orteo looked warily at Gael as if he thought Gael might lash out at him.
“But this doesn’t change how I feel about you,” Gael said.
“It doesn’t?” A muscle in Orteo’s cheek twitched. “How could it not?
“You were seventeen and grieving.” Gael paused. “And I’m sorry. I always relied on you for everything. It didn’t occur to me that you might need me too. And I want to be there for you,” he said in earnest. “Like you are for me.”
Orteo’s Adam’s apple bobbed. He stared at Gael’s hand on his arm. His eyes shone.
“You said you lied to me.” Gael stared at Orteo’s bare chest, watching the fast rise and fall. “Did you pretend to care for me?” He held his breath.
“No. Never.” Orteo placed a trembling hand over Gael’s. “But I’m not the caring oread you think I am.”
