Page 84 of You've Got The Love
I pull on my boots and step outside into the freezing dark. The stars are cold, sharp witnesses to my torment.
“I’m sorry, Amber,” I whisper into the wind. “I want to fight. I just don’t know how to stop the guilt and fear.”
The shadow of Marieke’s death still hangs over me—a constant reminder of what losing someone does to a man.
Could I survive losing Amber, too?
I don’t have the answer. But as the night deepens and the fire inside burns low, I make a promise.
I won’t let fear win forever.
Even if I’m broken. Even if I’m afraid.
I owe her that much.
I owe her the fight.
The dawn light seeps weakly through the frost-lined window. I sit on the edge of the bed, fingers tapping against the worn wood. The silence isn’t comforting—it’s suffocating.
Ambers gone.
I’ve known since the day I met her that fear and love don’t mix well. But knowing doesn’t stop the ache twisting inside me. This isn’t just guilt anymore—it’s something darker, colder. The fear that maybe I’m not the man she needs. Perhaps I never was.
Marieke used to say grief was a wild thing—unpredictable, vicious—but that it forces you to grow. I wonder if that’s true. If this heartache can turn me into someone better. Because right now? I feel weak. Broken. Like I’m standing on the edge of something I can’t climb back from. And I hate it.
Later, as I make my way across Europe toward home, I can feel the ghost of Marieke beside me. The memory of Amber’s warmth is still fresh, and it’s all I can do not to reach for her.
My phone buzzes.
Amber: I don’t want to lose you, Bas. But I need to know you want me too.
The honesty cuts deep. Do I want her enough to risk everything? To leave fear behind?
I type back, hands trembling.
Me: I want you. More than I can say. But I’m trying.
I set the phone down, knowing it isn’t enough. Not yet.
Sanne calls. Her voice is soft. “What’s next?”
I stare at the dark road ahead. “I don’t know. But I know I have to stop running—from her, from myself,” I murmur. “How’s my boy? Fuck I miss him.”
She hums. “Abel’s good. He’s been talking about you every day. Said to tell you about the ‘super awesome’ fort he built with Pieter in the living room.”
A chuckle escapes me. “I can’t wait to have him in my arms again. To just listen to his excited chatter about everything.”
“How are you really doing, Bas, honestly?"
“I’m a mess.”
“You’re not losing anything if you don’t fight for it,” she says.
“I’m scared, Sanne. I lost Marieke. I swore I wouldn’t lose anyone else.”
“That’s exactly why you have to try. Because if you keep closing yourself off, you’ll end up alone—and you don’t deserve that.”
“I’m terrified I can’t give her everything she needs. Everything she deserves.”
