Page 32 of Under The Twilight Rainfall
Valen has always cared about me. It’s never been something he’s hidden. But it hurts to think about. To know that someone out there cared about me and I walked away from them.
Did it hurt when I left? Did he miss me?
Because every night that I woke in a cold sweat remembering some of the families and loneliness I went through, it was Valen I wanted to reach for. Even if he was just a ghost of a memory by then. No one else had ever made me feel seen, had given me more than passing pleasantries.
My chest twinges and aches as I watch the two of them, feeling like I’m invading on a moment I have no business being in. Valen strokes Theo’s hair, resting his chin on his head as Theo tells him about the monster in the closet that woke him up.
He doesn’t tell Theo that there are no monsters. He doesn’t say that he’s being silly, that he’ll be fine if he just goes back to sleep.
Instead he holds him tight, shoots me an apologetic smile, and says, “Well, then I guess I better go get rid of it, right? Do you want to come with me or wait out here with Dex?”
Theo peeks out from where he’s huddled into Valen, eyes still damp, and clings tighter to his brother. “Can I come with?”
Valen kisses the top of his head and quickly gives my leg a squeeze as he stands. “I’ll be back. Try to get some sleep. Let’s go evict a monster, yeah, buddy?”
As they walk away, it’s like I’m that kid again. Standing in the living room while the family I’d come to love tells me they’re dissolving my adoption. I can almost see Carter, standing off to the side, cradling his arm, refusing to look at me as I tell them that I didn’t do it—I didn’t push him—but they don’t believe me.
Micah stood up for me, but they didn’t care.
Because I was just a visitor in their lives. They didn’t have to put up with me if they didn’t like something I said or did. They didn’t have to keep their promises.
They promised me a home, a family, and with one misunderstanding they ripped it away.
What I always wanted was what Theo has. A family that is just as much mine as anyone else’s. A brother who wouldn’t roll his eyes and tell me I was being stupid when I admitted to being afraid. Who wouldn’t hiss and tell me to cover up when the marks were visible.
Could I have had that with the Olaños? Like Theo does?
I don’t wait up for Valen this time. I gather my pillow and blanket, lay them out on the edge of the mat, and curl up under the covers. Still, I’m awake when he comes back. I hear him shuffling about as he tries to figure out where to sleep, and when it looks like he’s going to move to the couch, I reach a hand out for him.
He settles behind me, no words passing between us, and with a little prompting his arm comes around me. The touch lights my skin on fire, but not in a sexual way, and I drag his hand up until it rests over my heart.
It’s okay for me to have this. Just for a little while. For a couple of days. And then I can go back to handling life on my own. But if Valen is offering, maybe I can take a little.
Together, we fall asleep to the rhythm of my heartbeat.
Dexisbeingweirdtoday. And not normal Dex weird.
He was up before me this morning, and it would be a lie to say I didn’t miss his warmth. I found him in the kitchen with Ma and Lola, laughing as he shooed them away from the stove.
“Biscuits and gravy is like an American staple,” he had said, and watching them mesh as Lola worked at the counter and Ma forced Dex to share the stove, it was the kind of family moment I envisioned years ago.
When Ma had first told me she wanted to adopt Dex, I couldn’t have been happier. With us, he would have been safe and loved, and I could have kept an eye on him. I could have protected him.
But you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
At breakfast he was talkative, loud, and charming. Pop-Pop even came down to check out the commotion, and everyone sitting there—listening to Dex’s travel stories—filled something in my heart I had no idea was missing.
Ma and Pa have always loved Dex. They wanted him in our family almost as soon and as badly as I did, but the easy way with which he’s already captured Lola and Pop-Pop’s hearts?
He was always meant to be ours. To be a part of our family.
The strangest part of the day had to be the sudden affection. Sitting at the dining table, Dex kept resting his hand on my thigh. After volunteering to clean up, his hands would brush mine as we passed each other, and as we split the dishes duty, his fingers would linger on mine when taking a plate.
The smiles he threw over his shoulder were all classic Dex: warm and cocky like he knew something I didn’t. Maybe he did.
I’m not sure what happened between us last night. It’s a blur of conflicting emotions, but today it’s like he has a craving that can’t be sated, like one touch isn’t enough and he needs a million just to take the edge off.
I know the feeling because it’s been a thorn under my skin for the last seven years.
