Page 48 of Under The Twilight Rainfall
I’m not going to cry. Goddammit, I’m not.
I’m not their son. This isn’t my family. They’ve offered me their home twice: once I gave it up, and the current arrangement is only temporary.
Theo comes up in a flash of movement, shoving the present into my hands without even a hello.
That’s right. They have Theo now. They don’t need me to be a part of their family.
I crouch down so I’m level with him, and his smile is contagious. “Can I open it?”
“Yes, please! Now! Before Ma puts it back in the pile.”
I’m not one for rules or tradition, but I still look up to Valen for permission, and he nods even if he covers the grin I’d love to wipe off his face.
Another time.
I take the wrapping paper off and put it to the side so as not to make too much of a mess, and when I open the little brown box, there’s a small pouch that clinks when I pick it up.
“Marbles?” I ask, opening the pouch to see a handful of multicolored ones inside.
“Yup!” Theo bounces again, pulling out his own bag from his pocket. “Now you can play while you’re flying all over! And we can play together when you come to visit!”
My heartthumps, a little tear forming on the strings.
“I’ll definitely try, buddy.”
Theo runs off, talking about getting the other presents, but he’s intercepted by Anna, and I breathe a little sigh of relief when it seems the others are giving me some space.
“I promised I’d keep it a surprise. Are you mad?” Valen’s hand hovers near my back, like he expects me to reject his touch because he and his family decided to throw me amotherfucking surprise party.
“I’m going to throttle you.” I lean into his hand, into his arm and on his shoulder. “But I’m not mad.”
I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know where to look. Not sure how I feel, other than the creepy crawlies under my skin begging me to bolt. I can try staying. Just for a while. It’s not like no one has ever done something for me on my birthday. If I’m in town, Zeke will bring take out and put on some stupid movie until we end up just fooling around. Spencer even sends a birthday greeting that he claims is company policy, but that I think just means he kinda likes me. Or I don’t annoy him as much as he lets on.
So, I go with the flow. I mingle with Valen’s family, and maybe I lean on him a little too much. Maybe I reach for him when the nerves get the best of me, but I make it through. I make it through eating too much food, and laughing way too much at Valen’s grandpa, Augustine’s, jokes and stories about him adjusting to a whole new culture when he moved here. I play games with Theo, and we even drag Valen into the mix.
I’ve never felt more at home than I do with this family.
My heart doesn’t know what to do with that.
But it’s when everything is wrapping up—when Valen has taken Theo inside to settle him for a nap and Valen’s parents have taken Augustine inside and away from all of the excitement—that Lola approaches me. She is a small woman with darker skin than the rest of Valen’s family, and even if she isn’t as intimidating as the first day I walked through their door, I still have the irrational fear that she’s going to poke one of her bony fingers at me and chastise me for playing with her grandson’s heart. Grandparents always seem to know shit like that.
“You make him happy,” she says as she wraps foil around a container of food. “He is kind and selfless but never thinks he’s deserving of what he truly wants.”
“What do you mean?”
She sends me a look, one that says, ‘I already deal with one stupid man, don’t be another.’
“Every year he comes, he spends time, embraces his heritage. He smiles and laughs, but every year something is missing. A light in him that used to shine, but one day went out.” She finishes packing up the food and turns to me, expression unreadable. “It’s burning again. That flame. That light. He won’t fight for himself; he won’t keep it alive on his own. Don’t snuff it out again.”
Again.
Is that what I did? When I left?
Back then I convinced myself that he couldn’t possibly care, not in the way I thought he did—that I wanted him to.
But in the last few days I’ve seen it. It’s like his heart is cracked open and I can’t help but see all the melded pieces inside.
I know that I hurt him. I know I’m going to hurt him again. He knows it, too.
