Page 9 of Under The Twilight Rainfall
I’m vaguely aware of the hand on my knee moving up, kneading the muscles in my thigh; I wasn’t consciously thinking about it until the pressure is suddenly gone and the chatter dies down. It’s like a rubber band snapping into place. I blink and blink andblinkas I take in the near empty table, save for some dirty dishes and the body on my left.
He isn’t touching me anymore, but he’s watching. Before he realizes I’ve caught him, I see something dangerous in his eyes. Something I saw once before, and it sent me running for the goddamn hills and never looking back.
You’re not allowed to love me,I think.It isn’t fair.
“I had to do it so you could see how much I care. So you could look at me as more than a brother.”
There’s a venom to the voice in my head that doesn’t match the man in front of me.
I had my heart broken once by someone who was supposed to be my family; It’s not something I’ll give anyone the chance to do again.
I’m not sure how I manage to stumble my way to the bathroom; I’m not even sure how I find it, but the next thing I know, here I am. It’s small, with a shower cubby, toilet, and sink, and the first thing I do is run the water and splash it over my face.
Wake up.
Get over this.
The shower is inviting, but I don’t have my clothes or a towel.
I savor the few minutes of peace, listening to the water run into the drain, staring as it circles down… down…
The knock on the door doesn’t startle me. Four beats in a nonsensical pattern I’d recognize anywhere.
I crack it open, and Valen is standing there holding a folded towel in one arm and my sleep pants and t-shirt in the other. Fucker went through my things.
But I can’t bring myself to be mad.
He hands them to me through the opening I make just big enough for them to pass, and then he raps on the doorframe with soft knuckles and gives me a two-fingered salute. I don’t let myself watch him walk away, instead shutting the door as soon as he turns.
I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to be reminded of what I almost had.
Of what the universe has shown me time and time again I don’t deserve.
A home.
Permanence.
I don’t get to stay.
I never do.
Ithinkeveryonesettlesin early because of me. There was lots of laughter and chatter, but then Valen stood and urged a sleepy looking Theo into his arms, saying something to his Lola before taking him up to bed. The conversation was a little more stilted without him, for me at least, and when he came back down the rest of the family started moving.
There were some ‘goodnights,’ hugs going around (even for me, and that was weird), and then as Valen came over carrying pillows, blankets, and a sleep mat, his Lola said something I couldn’t understand. His face turned red, and he said something else in what I recognise as Tagalog.
Now, he’s moved the coffee table to the side to make room for the mat, and he must finally feel me staring, because he looks up from the makeshift bed he’s working on and tilts his head.
“Everything okay, Dex?”
“What is this?”
He frowns, looks down then back up, and gives me a soft smile that turns my stomach.
“Saving you from being squished on the couch with me?”
Folding my legs under me on the cushion, I send him a withering look.
