Page 62 of Under The Twilight Rainfall
“And tell him what? That he should do the dialysis so he can be bedridden and miserable just because I want him to try to stay alive even though it might kill him anyway?” His voice is near hysterical, though still quiet. Just the kind of quiet that’s at the edge of a hole which drops into madness.
I force down all the heavy feelings in my throat. I’m not close to his grandpa, and I’ve never had the kind of family that can cut as deep as this sounds like it does for Valen. But I’ve had my hopes dashed, dreams ripped out from beneath my feet when I thought I was safe. I’ve had pieces of myself stolen by the people who were supposed to protect them.
It’s not the same, but maybe it’s something I can give him.
“I was almost adopted,” I blurt before I can swallow the words back down. “Before you guys. The adoption papers were signed. They just had to be processed.”
The words catch in my throat, and I’m thankful that Valen can’t see the grimace on my face—how badly I don’t want to be telling him this story.
“I had two foster brothers: Micah and Carter. Micah was my age but Carter was a few years younger. I stayed with them for a couple of months. Me and Micah became inseparable. This family was kind. And they loved me. Wanted me. No other family had before. I was broken. But not to them.”
“Dex...”
I squeeze the back of his neck and the words stop. He kisses the exposed skin just below my throat.
“They signed the paperwork. The judge just had to approve it. But that weekend there was... there was an accident. It wasn’t anything big. I didn’t think anything of it. Micah, Carter, and I were playing in the yard. Some zombies and hunters thing. Micah and I were hiding. Carter was the hunter. I don’t remember the details anymore, but Carter got hurt. Broke his arm. He wouldn’t tell me what happened. But later that night... Their parents called me into the living room. They sat me down.”
It’s been eleven years. Eleven years and thinking about that night still fucking chokes me up.
Valen kisses me again. All over my neck and shoulder. Even though I know he’s still hurting, eyes still wet, he’s comfortingme. But at least he’s distracted.
I take a deep breath and bury my nose in his hair. “They told me they were dissolving my adoption. Carter saidIbroke his arm. They’d heard I had problems but thought I wasbetter.”
At fourteen I couldn’t understand. When Micah had run down and said it must have been an accident, I’d thought ‘hey, maybe they’ll listen to their real son.’ But their decision had already been made.
“I kept in contact with Micah for a while. Through the next few homes I went to. We’d meet up sometimes. You, um... you met him once.”
Only once. The last time I’d seen him myself. The day Micah had told me the truth and shattered what little thread of hope I’d been holding on to. The first time Valen had seen me cry and I’d let him hold me, let myself be vulnerable before I built the walls I’ve been reinforcing ever since.
“We liked to meet down by the broken bridge. Whenever I could sneak away. When I was supposed to be out with you. When you would cover for me. He was my friend. The only person I thought I could trust. He said he had something important to tell me. So, I snuck out. I didn’t tell you.”
Valen scoffs, turning his head to press his lips to the underside of my jaw. “I was so fucking angry at you. We had a deal. You got freedom, but you let me know. So I could keep you safe.”
“I don’t think I wanted to be safe. I wanted that to be the night Micah told me to pack my bag so we could run off. That was the plan. He’d build a home with me.” I sigh, pulling Valen up so he can see me for the next part. Because it’s been hidden so far down for so long that I’m not sure who I’ll be with it out in the light.
“He told me he couldn’t leave. But he was done waiting. He kissed me. Shocked the hell out of me, but... it was nice. But then he climbed on top of me and... and he said that getting me kicked out of the house was the best decision he ever made.”
Valen’s eyes flash violent, and I see the moment he remembers exactly what happened next.
“Micah broke Carter’s arm and blamed it on me. Convinced Carter to lie somehow. So that I wouldn’t be adopted. Because he...” I shake my head on a humorless laugh. “Because if he was my brother then he couldn’t fuck me. Exact words.”
Valen tangles his hands in my hair, grips hard, and pulls me to him. He presses our foreheads together, and I can see the rage swimming in his dark irises.
“That’s who was touching you that night. I heard you say stop. I heard you say no. I heard youcry, and you’d never cried before. Not where I could see.”
Nothing had happened. It was just kissing and touching over my clothes, but I’d been reeling with the realization that the person who I’d thought was my best friend had broken my heart because he’d wanted to use me as a hole to fuck, as a body to experiment with. He’d been hard. Had rocked it against me and got mad that I wasn’t. That I was falling apart while he was trying to get laid.
Valen had kicked his ass for all of thirty seconds—had kicked him so hard in the ribs I swear I heard one break—before Micah had run off. I hadn’t heard from him after that. And not long after I’d blocked and deleted his number from my phone. That night, I hadn’t explained anything to Valen. He hadn’t asked that of me. But he’d held me under that bridge until my tears ran dry, until I’d felt like a hollowed out void. My heart had wanted to latch on to the boy comforting me, but my head had known it would just end the same.
I would never be enough for anyone.
“It sounds stupid,” I tell him, ignoring the harsh shake of his head. “I felt betrayed and used. Dirty and worthless. I didn’t want to give you the power to make me feel that way, too. When your family offered to adopt me, all I could see was Micah. All I could hear were those words, over and over, that I didn’t belong. That I was only always temporary.”
“You.” Valen crashes his lips down on mine. It’s gentle yet demanding. His tongue slides over mine, coaxing, stroking, fucking into my mouth in the most leisurely, intimate way. “I love you.” He breathes the words into my mouth, then breaks away to narrow a steely gaze on me.
“You are mine,mahal ko, only for as long as you let me have you. And I want you. I want you now as much as I did ten years ago. More even. I want you forever. But you can walk away, and I’d never think less of you. I’d never hold it against you. I love you, and being with me or not doesn’t change that. You have never been, and never will be, temporary to me. You are written over every inch of my heart.”
I don’t have words for that. Don’t know how to accept it. But the man looking at me now has broken down all the wards protecting my heart and wormed his way inside, and I don’t have it in myself to hurt him more than he already is.
