Page 74 of Phantom Faceoff
I smile and kiss the top of his head but don’t offer him any words. The gears turning in his head are nearly audible.
“I realized that I want more. Not from you, but from the dynamic. I knew I always did, but this felt more … decisive. I want to be taken care of in every sense of the word. I want to be lovedandfucked by my Daddy. It scared me a little how good it felt.”
He wiggles away to aim his chlorine green eyes right up at me. “I liked having you both. I liked the attention. I want more of it, but not specifically from the two of you. No offense.”
“None taken.” I ruffle his hair.
Julian smiles, and it’s so innocent and child-like that it lifts the worry weighing on my heart. “I was scared that I fucked up. Asking you to kiss me. Zander said you’ve been AWOL, and I guess I got worried that I … dunno, broke you two up?”
It’s hard to break up when you aren’t dating, but no, this is entirely on me.
I clear my throat, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m glad we did it. I just … felt more than I expected. For Zander.”
There’s no use hiding anything from Julian. He knows me better than I know myself most days.
“He’s not going to hurt you, Mal,” Julian says, leaning his head on my shoulder. “Not like Mack.”
Mack.
My chest aches like a motherfucker.
“It’s just sex. I’m not looking for anything else.”
Julian scoffs. “You are the biggest, dorkiest closet romantic on the planet. You wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place if you didn’t have feelings for him.”
When I frown, he gently pats my shoulder. “Would you have a threesome with him again but with a stranger?”
The thought makes my skin crawl.
“Exactly. You need that emotional connection. Just like I do when I’m Little. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you can’t pretend like fooling around with Zander is justfun.You care about him, and that’s okay.”
He leans up to place a kiss on my cheek, and then scoots out of my lap and stretches like a cat after a long rest. “He cares about you, too, you know. A lot. You should go see him.”
I know Julian didn’t mean right that moment, but after returning to our respective beds, I couldn’t convince my mind to settle.
Me
Any chance you have time for a ghost with an apology?
It’s been twenty minutes, and logically I know he’s sleeping. Between school and hockey, Zander keeps an insanely demanding schedule. How he ever finds the time for me in the first place is a mystery.
Still, it hadn’t occurred to me that my silence may have hurt his feelings. He messaged me once or twice, and I gave some quick, curt responses, but it honestly felt like we were all just taking a moment to breathe.
Knowing Julian spent that time spiraling worries me that I may have read Zander wrong, too.
I’m no stranger to insomnia, but the minutes ticking by with no sleep in sight feels like torture tonight.
The ceiling is starting to look like a conglomerate of faces when my phone pings. It could be any kind of notification, but my heartbeat still picks up as I swipe the screen open.
Wildfire
Depends. Does this apology include kissing?
The knot of anxiety is still there, but I manage a smile.
Me
It can.
