Page 87 of Roleplay at Randy's
“How in the hell did you manage to fuck me forhours?I'm in pretty good shape, and there is no part of me that doesn't burn right now.”
Lee chuckles, fitting a finger under my chin, and I let myself be guided even if all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep for the next several days.
His dark eyes hold the promise of words that make myheart crash into my ribcage. It's my imagination, I know it is, my little hope that this degree of emotional longing will be reciprocated.
He was just as honest with me about where he's at regarding things like love, but that doesn't stop me from falling a little further into it with him when he kisses my nose.
“You are perfect, Matty Nichols. Every fucking inch of you.”
I kiss him as hard as my aching body will allow, and if I ditch the strap and climb on top of his body, stroke his dick back to life and cover it with latex, it's nobody's business but ours that I ride him until we're both in tears.
I won't tell him how much I love him, even if the words play like a broken record in my head. I'll keep the gravity of these feelings to myself.
For now.
Because for the briefest moment, I saw the glimpse of a future, of a life where I don't have to give up the man in my arms, where I get to love Elias and Cal and be loved in return.
My chest lurches its discontent, but the euphoria is too strong. The pain will have to wait on the sidelines while I soak up the feeling of being wanted, beingappreciated.
My heart belongs to Elias Lee, commitment issues be damned.
I have to fight for him, even if it rips me open in the process.
21
MATTY
Stupid fingers.Not listening to a single thing I say.
I’m on Cal duty tonight while Elias takes Miya over to the club. Not a full blown bachelorette party since she doesn’t really have any friends hanging around here, but I heard a mention of a video call with her fiancée. It’s not actually one of Elias’ work nights, so Cal has been a little off kilter since he’s been gone.
I, on the other hand, am frozen staring at the start of a conversation I can’t bring myself to send. I’m the one who said we were cool. Who said neither of us had anything to feel bad about. That we’re free to move on.
The last message Riley sent me sits unanswered, received while I was still twiddling away at the diner months ago after Riley’s visit.
Riley
Happy looks good on you, squirt. Don’t let anyone take that away from you again.
As much as I wanted it, I wasn’t in a place to let him back into my life. I couldn’t let myself care about him,because the risk was too great for me to fall into old patterns.
Now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’ve moved on. That any lingering feelings are strictly from how deep a friendship we had. Above all else, in the gaps our tentative love couldn’t fill, we had our friendship to fall back on, and we abused it.
I don’t need his permission the same way he didn’t need mine. I don’t need him to clear my conscience or ease some unspoken burden.
I want my friend. It’s the commitment I’ve run from the longest. I want Riley in my life, and even if he doesn’t, even if I can’t have that, I have to try.
Because to fight for Elias, I first have to fight for myself.
Easier said than done.
“Cal! No, sir, the curtains are not for playing.” For probably the tenth time in as many minutes, I put my phone on the table to stop Calum from getting into something.
Maybe it’s my nerves, but I’ve barked at him more than once and gotten the stink eye in return.
Deep breath. It isn’t Cal’s fault that I’m a chicken shit.
I drop my forehead to the window, listening to Cal’s laughter as he plops back on the couch.
