Page 78 of Roleplay at Randy's
Miya props her chin in her open palm, leaning against the counter. “What about you? Are you confident in your feelings? Willing to give him that stability?”
I open my mouth to say that Elias and I aren’t that serious, even in this pretend version of things we’re selling her, but it feels like a lie. Which is annoying because acting like we’re a happy family,that’sthe lie. Yet it comes about as naturally as dance does.
“I want to,” I find myself saying, and realize that it’s the truth. “I want to be a sure thing for him. For both of them.”
The sex couldn’t have been good enough to knock down years of anxiety and self doubt, or a lifetime of never being good enough for any of the people who were supposed to love me.
My parents.
Riley.
Elias sees me. All of me. Every piece. Every crack. He sees it, and he embraces it—embracesme.
“I approve this message.” Miya breaks me out of my thoughts, but something, a little niggling, remains just out of reach. “You love him, don’t you?”
If it’s that obvious to her, someone who barely knows me, does that mean Elias will see it as well? Or have we both well and truly fooled each other into thinking there’s a legitimate reason to hold back?
Before I can answer, there’s a commotion behind us, and I don’t have to turn to know that Elias has finally graced us with his presence. The chair Cal has been sitting in rattles, his usual “Daddy shark” greeting playing like one of his looping videos.
Miya is watching them while I simply listen to Elias’ voice deep with sleep as he swings his son around the living room.
My heart can’t take looking at him right now. Looking at them. At how badly I want this. A family. Not just any family, butthis one.
Even if I let myself accept that, let myself hope for it, where does that leave me if Elias isn’t on the same page? Is that something I’m willing to risk? Having all of this, in any capacity, for however long he decides to keep me in his life, or risk losing it for a chance at forever?
Fuck.Forever.
Minds change like the wind, hearts like the seasons.
At least for now, I have this little pocket of happiness. That’s all life ever seems to afford me.
Maybe I should accept that it’s all I deserve.
19
ELIAS
Miya shoulder checksCal as she turns her Switch controller dramatically, and he loses it in a series of laughs, jumping to his feet and driving his Mario Kart character all over the place.
Matty has a shift at the cafe today, so it’s just been the three of us. I’d like to say it doesn’t feel any different than any other time she’s visited, but that’s wrong. I’m all too aware of the Matty shaped void hanging around the house.
It’s even in the way Cal looks over his shoulder at the couch, like he’s expecting Matty to be there.
He really has become a staple here, hasn’t he?
I glance at the clock for probably the hundredth time in the last hour, because I know his shift ends at two, and it’s a twenty minute walk from there to here.
It’s hard not to want to be wrapped up in him anytime he’s around, so I usually use his work hours to get house shit done. Pretty much every room has been cleaned—minus Cal’s—laundry is on its second load, and I even took Matty’s toys and gave them a proper clean.
Matty is very much a person who waits until he’s going touse something to wash it, and I figure shaving off a couple minutes of prep time would be good considering how little opportunity he has to get material for his site anymore.
He says it’s fine, that his written fantasies are pretty popular, but I still feel bad. Maybe when he gets home I could offer to take Miya and Cal out for ice cream or something, give him some time to himself.
I’m in the middle of picking up around Cal’s latest stuffie pile in his room—I don’t dare disturb them—when the sound of Cal’s voice squeals through the open door.
“Mat-ty!”
Little running feet, and then Matty’s startled, bubbly laugh.
