Page 98 of Roleplay at Randy's
I know I’m a mess of tears and snot, my hair has halffallen out of its bun and is whipping me in the face, but there’s still so much pain and frustration coiled tight inside of me that I can’t stop.
One song becomes two. Becomes five. By the time my body is screaming from overexertion, it’s been well over an hour and there’s a mini crowd gathered around.
My arms feel like lead, my legs are screaming with the threat of cramps, and my lungs burn like they've been underwater.
I'm well acquainted with that feeling.
Someone presses something cold to my chest, but my vision is too full of spots for me to register who.
“Thanks,” I rasp, taking the offered bottle of water and letting the coldness ease the rawness of my throat.
After a couple of minutes focused on slowing my heartbeat and catching my breath, I look up to thank them again, but the words get tangled on my tongue.
Miya stands there with her dark hair pulled back, decked out in jogging attire, with a knowing smile that looks more ominous than reassuring.
“I heard you leave,” she says softly, shoving her hands in her pockets. “When you didn’t come back, I got a little afraid that maybe you wouldn’t.”
“I would never abandon them. I just needed some air.”
She nods and motions to the bench where we both take a seat.
“I always joke that I’m the older sibling,” she says, staring out at the people walking by. “But Ei is the one who’s been like a big brother our whole lives. He takes care of people; it’s what he does. And in the process, sometimes he pushes them away.”
This isn’t all on him; I know it isn’t, but the words strike a chord all the same.
“Ei thinks with his head, and often forgets to give a voice to his heart.” She looks over at me, and whatever it is she sees makes her smile. “These last few weeks? His heart has been speaking loud and clear. It’s practically been singing. You did that, Matty. You brought that out of him. You are important enough that for once, helistenedto his own feelings instead of someone else’s.”
I want to tell her that it’s all been a giant ruse, but that isn’t true, is it? Elias was right—again—that we were never pretending or putting on a show. It was always, deep down, what we wanted.
“I’m afraid,” I start, slow and unsure as the words unravel inside me, “that Cal is going to get hurt. That something like last night is going to happen, only worse. I’m afraid something will happen to him and I’ll never forgive myself. That Lee won’t either.”
No one has ever depended on me before, not in this way. Leaned on me for support, sure, but never outright needed me for their well being.
“You’re thinking about this all wrong. I’m not saying you and Ei would never clash on the parenting front, but he would nevereverput that shit solely on you. If anything, he’d take the blame on himself.”
“I don’t want that either.”
Miya throws her hands up and shrugs. “Sorry, babe. The ugly shit is part of the package. Take it or leave it.” When my shoulders slump, she clicks her tongue. “Can you leave it?”
My answer is automatic. “No.”
She pats my leg, and I think she might not be so far off about the big sister thing. “You two will work it out. I have the feeling you might rival each other in the stubborn department.”
She’s probably right about that, too.
“Your wife is a lucky woman, you know that?”
Her smile is twice as bright as the sun peeking through the trees. “Of course she is.” Then, she sighs with a wistful giddiness. “Wife. Best fucking feeling in the world.”
For a split second, I let myself imagine what marrying Elias might be like—both of us in suits, standing across from one another—and the idea doesn't paralyze me. Not like it would have before. It sends a stab of pain down my sternum that I rub with the heel of my hand, though.
We’re nowhere near something like that; hell, last night was as close to an official break up as the two of us can manage given how intertwined we are. But just the fact that a symbol of forever doesn’t make me feel like the world is caving in?
Falling in love with Elias changed something in me.
I won’t give that up.
I won’t give up on myself, and I won’t give up on him.
