Page 90 of Until You Came Along
I crossed my arms on the steering wheel and buried my face in them to cry, to let out all that anguish and rage that was boiling inside me. I felt his hands trying to embrace me, but I no longer had the strength to push them away. I heard some light tapping on my door window, but I didn’t even bother to look, I just kept crying.
“Miss, excuse me, but there’s a car that wants to leave and can’t do so. Could you move your car?” I heard the valet say.
“I’ll take care of it,” Hermes responded, and got out of the car, opened my door, lifted me up and moved me to the passenger seat before sitting in the driver’s seat and starting the car.
I continued covering my face with my hands and couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t even know where we were heading, but I didn’t have the strength to ask. I lost track of time. When he parked, Ihad no idea how much time had passed. Hermes got out of the car, opened the door, and took me in his arms again and carried me to... to... to his house! When I looked up and saw where I was, I started moving to try to get down from his arms.
“Delfina, you’re going to make us both fall, stay still.”
“Put me down now!” I exclaimed, between hiccups from crying.
Hermes placed me on the living room couch and looked at me again with that strange look of his; he seemed vulnerable, he seemed surrendered, but my heart wouldn’t soften, and I looked at him seriously. He sat down beside me, though he maintained a prudent distance.
“Can we talk?”
“I can’t believe what you’re doing. Each day you surprise me more. You had all these days to talk to me, but you decided to do it at the dinner, not without first parading in front of my eyes accompanied by your little friend Samantha. You’re cruel. I don’t understand how I could have thought you were a good person; evidently, I was wrong. I tried to understand you by justifying your behavior because of what you had experienced in the past, I wanted to give you a chance, even though you were always giving me orders as if you were the authority in our relationship. A relationship doesn’t work like that; in a relationship, you are equals, you respect each other, it’s not about satisfying only your expectations, but of course, you don’t understand that. You’re as distrustful as the devil, you get angry because I go out with your brother, who is my friend and who understands me much more than you do. I don’t want you in my life; you only cause me suffering. You know what I feel for you because I didn’t hide it, knowing that you made it clear that you would never love me, I didn’t hide it, but you didn’t care about my feelings when youdecided to stand next to me with another woman. That attitude speaks very poorly of you, but it’s evident that you do it regularly because, as you made very clear to me, you have never been with just one person because all you’re interested in is sex; there’s no other kind of involvement on your part.”
Hermes let me speak without making any movement or showing any intention of interrupting me. He looked at me seriously, but it wasn’t his typical seriousness; he seemed sad, but I couldn’t stop the litany of things that came out of my mouth without any filter. It was as if at that moment I was venting, and I looked him in the eyes, expressing not so much fury as disappointment.
“I’m very sorry that you went through such an atrocious disappointment, but not all people are garbage like your ex and your friend were. You let them mark your life, strip you of the possibility of being happy, and the saddest thing is that you continue to allow them to keep hurting you by living your life the way you do, denying yourself love, denying yourself the chance to open your heart, and denying yourself happiness. If you don’t overcome your past, you won’t have a promising future, and you shouldn’t be so selfish as to damage the future of others. It’s clear that you’re going to continue looking backward, and that way you’ll never know what you have in front of you. For that reason, I don’t want to be in front of you, because you’ll run me over with all your strength, causing me serious wounds, and although you’ve already bruised me quite a bit, I’m in time to avoid deep wounds.There is no place for me in your life. I won’t allow you to make me feel that one day I’m important and the next I’m nothing, and that’s what you always do. If you don’t know what you want or are looking for in your life, don’t disrupt the lives of others,” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before saying the last thing I intended to convey to him, whichI knew would break my heart. “I’ve decided to distance myself from you. I don’t want to be part of your life. I’m leaving it forever, and I ask you to respect my decision. I’ve learned that sometimes not having what you love is a stroke of luck.”
While I spoke I never stopped looking him in the eyes and he did the same, though I always tried to maintain a neutral expression while Hermes's face shifted from sadness to surprise and then to sheer terror. I slowly rose from the couch and he remained seated with his head down in a position of defeat. When I had barely taken a step, I heard his voice.
“Though harsh, your words are very true and your decisions wise and brave.”
“I don’t think they’re wise or much less brave. They’re the decisions of someone who understands how things are and no longer insists on trying to change them or hopes they will change. I want to keep believing in love no matter how much you insist on making me believe it doesn’t exist, and do you know why? Because of the way I love you.”
I looked down at him because he was still sitting and looking downward. It killed me to see him so defeated. Life had beaten him, and he, having all the weapons to fight and be happy, had allowed himself to be conquered, or worse yet, had surrendered.
“Goodbye, Hermes,” I said, before heading toward the exit, but I had only taken a few steps when his voice made me stop again.
“I believe in love too,” he said, loud and clear, and when I turned, I saw him standing and looking at me with dismay.
“I suppose you believe because you once felt it, but it’s obvious that afterward you armored your heart. You are what they made you.” I shook my head and turned again to continue on my way, but this time he stopped me by grabbing my wrist.
“I believe in love... because I feel it in every pore of my skin, in every bone in my body, in every beat of my heart, and in my soul. I feel it when I look at you, because you, Delfina Darner, got under my skin and awakened my heart that only beat to survive, and now it beats for the love I feel for you. You came into my life like a fulfilled dream I didn’t know I was dreaming. Every time I close my eyes, I only see you, every time I breathe I smell your scent, and every time I go to bed my body craves yours, and without you I can’t fall asleep. In the morning I get up and do everything mechanically because nothing interests me, only you. I love you, Delfina, and I feel both strong and weak at the same time, I feel excited and terrified, because I have no doubt that I love you and I only want to be with you. Grant me the honor of allowing me to try to make you happy, because your happiness is my priority,” he stated, emotional, and for a few seconds we stood looking at each other while he gently wiped away the tears running down my face, tears I didn’t even know I was shedding.
I looked at him and couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I felt a lump in my throat that prevented me from speaking and my heart was pounding in my chest alarmingly.
“What I feel for you I’ve never felt for anyone. All these years I’ve been deceived thinking I had loved, but only when I met you did I know what love really was. I lost more than ten years of my life behind the bars of fury, resentment, emotional destruction, disillusionment, hopelessness, and all the bad things you can imagine. All those harmful feelings filled and imprisoned my heart, leaving no room for anything else. Those harmful feelings were my driving force and I didn’t realize the damage I was doing to myself and causing to others. Only when I met you did I feel the need to be a better person, only when I met you did I react and realize how miserable I felt. Only you made me feel the need to change, to empty my heart of those harmful feelingsto make room for all the good things you made me feel. You brought warmth to my heart and managed to melt those bars that kept it imprisoned and frozen. I know I don’t deserve you, but I’m a miserable selfish man and I ask you, I beg you to accept me because I will give everything of myself to be that person you deserve and show you every day how much I love you. I belong to you, Delfina, my heart is all yours, you saved it, you saved me from the misery in which I lived. You stopped my fall, opened your arms and your heart and sheltered me with your love, stopping my free fall into loneliness.”
I wasn’t sure if what I was hearing was real. His words resonated in my ears, but I couldn’t believe them. Hermes had said everything I wanted to hear since I had met him and my heart was dancing in my chest, but now I was the one who distrusted. I scrutinized his face looking for some gesture or something that would tell me he was speaking with irony or making a joke, though I knew he couldn’t be so cruel as to do something like that. What I found was a man who had bared his soul and was terrified.
“Say something,” he begged, caressing my face and wiping away my tears.
“Your words are very moving, but why should I believe them?” was all I could say in a whisper.
“You may not believe them, but let me prove it to you with actions.”
“Are you forgetting that a moment ago you were with another woman? How can you suggest something like this after being with someone else in the same place where you knew I was?”
“I didn’t go with her, I assure you. I only went to that dinner to see you. Samantha was there on her own, I have no idea how she got an invitation, and when she saw me she came to greet me and I couldn’t stop her from following me everywhere. I wasonly focused on you, from the moment you entered the room I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I approached your table to ask you to dance, to be with you, but when I was going there Samantha hung onto my arm again, I couldn’t do anything,” he pleaded in his defense.
“And you think that’s believable? If you were planning to ask me to dance, why didn’t you? Why did you let me think you were with her? Can you imagine how I felt?” I asked, sobbing.
“Now I can imagine it, but at that moment I thought you were with that guy who was doing nothing but pulling you away from me and... you left with him.”
“And did you expect me to stay with you and your friend? You’re so cynical, you’re...”
