Page 123 of May I Have the Pleasure
“This is my story! You can tell your sad tale after I finish if you insist.”
“Very well.”
“My third big mistake was one of omission. It happened at the very ball when I came out of mourning for Lord Mawbry. I would not disrespect my husband by saying anything, but I was finally free… finally able… finally—”
“Finally—what, Elizabeth—”
“In the end, it was for naught, because when it really mattered, I was unable to tell you that I have loved you with all my heart for quite some time. I hardly know when it started, andI was in the middle before I knew I had begun, but my courage failed me when the time came to act.”
“Pray, take my handkerchief.”
“Threetimes, Fitzwilliam! In Meryton, I lost your acquaintance and a chance to learn about you because of vanity. In Kent, I threw away the strongest love from the best of man in a fit of pique, anger, and pride over an awkwardly worded proposal and never gave you a chance to respond. In London, I lost a chance for true love in a bout of timidity and procrastination.”
“Elizabeth.”
“Let me finish, please!”
“Yes.”
“SEVEN YEARS!It has been seven years, and I only truly regret one thing. I have hurt you so many times and missed so many chances to be closer to you. Nothing else that has happened to me matters in the least against those.”
“Elizabeth—”
“No, Fitzwilliam. I had to say that, just to work my way up to my question.”
“Very well but be forewarned—I shall have my say before we leave this ship.”
“As you should. I wish to ask one thing of you.”
“Ask! You need not fear me.”
“I do not fear you. I fear myself.”
“Ask, I beg you.”
“Do you think…Do you think you could ever love me again?Before you answer, let me make the scope of the question clear. Could you love me enough to weather a scandal of staggering proportions… big enough to have you and I and all of our friends gossiped about incessantly for years… to have our private affairs bandied about in the newspapers in a dozen countries as entertainment… a scandal that will affect our prosperity, and possibly our children’s prosperity and respectability if any portion of the truth becomes known? It is more than I can ask. It is monstrously unfair to you and to everyone we love who has stood by us these years… but still, I will not allow my timidity to deny me this once to follow my heart, even at the risk of having it crushed. I have waited years toask this question. I must know the answer. I can live… survive… with either answer, but I must know.Could you love me again?”
“Elizabeth… Elizabeth… Elizabeth… You ask the wrong question. I cannot love youagainbecause I love youstill. Like you, the love came upon me gradually, against my will, and even against my own blisteringly stupid objections. I must admit having my pride, vanity, and arrogance beat into the ground like a stomping horse was not at the time to my liking—but it was what made me into a man.By you, I was properly humbled.It was you that made me into a man worthy of pleasing a woman. I have my own share of timidity, but I can assure you that had the prince asked you a week later, it would have been far too late.I have loved you all my life, because my life started the day I discovered I loved you.Everything before that was prologue. I will do anything you ask of me. I care not for scandal or the views of others. I would sell Pemberley and go to America if necessary. I would burn my estate to the ground if it would let me have you. I beg of you—no matter what bit of insanity you have dreamed up, let us get on with it because if I do not have an agreement for your hand when we land in Gibraltar, I will throw you over my shoulder and disappear with you.”
“Fitzwilliam!”
“I know you worry about the thousands of people dependent on you, but just for once, will youjustthink ofus.”
“Very well! Prince Gustav and Sofia know what I am planning. I have forewarned Lady Catherine, Anne, Kitty, and everyone else I care about. You were the last to know.”
“Why is that?”
“In my heart, I had to believe you still loved me, but I could not be easy. I could not believe in a love that could survive all… all…all this.I could not stand the idea that I might be your best friend but no longer the love of your life. I determined that if there was any possibility that I could truly earn your love, I would ask and take my chances; but I wouldnot burden you with the question unless it was a real possibility.”
“How bad will it be?”
“Perhaps everything will work as I plan, but if any little thing goes wrong, it can be very, very bad.”
“Let us get to it. What do you need me to do.”
“Several things. Most immediately, I need you to compromise me.”
“In what way?”
