Page 76 of May I Have the Pleasure
“Yes, my lady”
“By herself?”
“Yes, my lady”
“Extraordinary!Show her in.”
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“Good evening, your ladyship.”
“You are Mrs Collins?Come over where I can see you. Since there is nobody to perform introductions, I shall take up theoffice. I am Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and this is my daughter, Anne.”
“A pleasure, your ladyship. Delighted to meet you, Miss de Bourgh. I am apparently Mrs Elizabeth Collins.”
“You appear to bea very genteel, pretty kind of girl, Mrs Collins. I assume you are here to pay your respects as is proper?but I am curious as towhyyou feel the need to do so on your wedding night. That seems overly deferential, even for Mr Collins! Come to think of it, speaking of your wedding night, where exactly is your husband? I might have expectedhimto call on me today, but not you.”
“Therein lies the difficulty, my lady. I come to you for advice. It appears my husband is dead, and his body is sitting in the coach you so graciously provided for our transportation.”
“DEAD?”
“Yes, my lady, dead!”
“DEAD, you say?”
“Yes, my lady, dead!”
“In my coach?”
“Yes, madam.”
“Really dead?”
“Yes, ma'am.”
“How dead?”
“We seem to be of like mind, Lady Catherine. That was my first, or… well… possibly my third question. Mr Thornton, though he claims to be a mere coachman, seems quite knowledgeable when he asserts there is truly only one kind of dead. Having done extensive reading in my father’s library, I believe I must concur. If you require more details, I could add that he appears to be completely dead, thoroughly dead, and absolutely dead.”
“You seem a bit impertinent, Mrs Collins.”
“My apologies, my lady. I would like to blame it on my upset over having spent the last several hours with a corpse in your coach, but I fear you will find I am that way most of thetime. At any rate, he apparently has been dead for several hours, but I did not notice, as I was asleep.”
“Asleep, you say? On your wedding day?”
“I can assure you, had I been awake, I would have detected his death when he stopped talking for thirty seconds, since that would be the only possible explanation for his silence.”
“Upon my word, you give your opinion very decidedly for so young a person.”
“My apologies, I meant no offence.”
“Oh, I am not offended. Amused would be closer to the mark. Tell me, do you claim sleep would not be a good explanation for your late husband’s silence?”
“No, madam. I tested that theory on the first part of the journey, and I can assure you that a sleeping William Collins was no quieter than his waking counterpart.”
“That is shockingly impertinent.”
“My apologies, madam.”
