Page 35 of Eavesdroppers Never Hear
Elizabeth was grinding her teeth in frustration, though neither Jane nor Mary could work out exactly which kind, and none of the other occupants even noticed.
Mary decided to enter the breach once again. “Mr Collins, you asserted that Lady Catherine likes to have the distinction of rank preserved. I cannot say whether that is truth, but Reverend Fordyce agrees, saying: ‘You should never forget the importance of respecting those who are above you in social rank or station.’ This means showing deference and obedience to those in positions of authority and avoiding any behaviour that might be seen as presumptuous or disrespectful.”
She stared at him to be certain she had his attention. “Do you agree?”
“Wholeheartedly!” he said with grave conviction.
“Then perhaps… just perhaps… you should reconsider the wisdom of spreading unfounded rumours about a man who is as far above you in station as Lady Catherine is, and even farther in consequence. I doubt the gentleman would enjoy learning you were gossiping about him.”
Elizabeth looked to Mary, wondering when she had time to hone her claws so very sharp.
Mr Collins looked at Mary condescendingly, as a patient tutor might look at a not particularly bright child.
“My dear Miss Mary, I have the highest opinion in the world in your excellent judgement in all matters within the scope of your understanding; but permit me to say, that there must be a wide difference between the established forms of ceremony amongst the laity, and those which regulate the clergy; for, give me leave to observe that I consider the clerical office as equal in point of dignity with the highest rank in the kingdom—provided that a proper humility of behaviour is at the same time maintained. You must therefore allow me to follow the dictates of my conscience on this occasion, which leads me to perform what I look on as a point of duty.”
Mary stared at him, thoroughly unable to answer such a load of balderdash. She did not even know where to begin with such a stupid and contradictory statement, let alone the assertion that gossip and duty were synonymous.
Elizabeth did. “Are you asserting, sir, that since you are a clergyman, you are empowered to gossip like a fishwife about your social superiors?”
“Mr Darcy and I are both gentlemen,” he said, which made Elizabeth just shake her head in wonder.
“Perhaps, but what sets social position is how long your family have been of the gentry, and how much fortune and consequence they yield,” Mary said, trying her best to both pound some sense into the man and keep Elizabeth from scratching his eyes out.
“By your own reckoning, you are only marginally a gentleman because you made it through Cambridge and got a living from Lady Catherine. You are a gentleman of minor fortune and a few months’ standing. Mr Darcy is a very wealthy gentleman, and according to Lady Catherine, from respectable, honourable, and ancient—though untitled—families.”
Collins finally saw the potential problem if word should get back to Mr Darcy, and almost reconsidered. “I understand yourreasoning, but you can rest assured that, in the unlikely chance you ever meet Mr Darcy, he will approve of my words.”
“Enough!”
The bellow was enough to bring the servants running to check on the family, but when they peeked into the room and saw Miss Elizabeth standing with her chair knocked over, leaning across the table on her fisted knuckles staring at Mr Collins, they decided discretion was the better part of valour, and receded immediately.
Elizabeth leaned over even more threateningly. “Mr Collins… my sisters have been trying to steer you toward gentlemanlike behaviour this quarter-hour with nothing to show for it, so pray allow me to be more explicit. Mr Darcy will be at this very table on Wednesday, and I very much doubt he will be happy to learn you have been gossiping about him.”
Collins looked so confused she almost felt sorry for him. “I do not understand your anger, Miss Elizabeth. Mrs Bennet asked a simple question about people known to me, and I answered it.”
“You answered with wild speculation from the fevered imagination of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.”
“She does not imagine things. If she says they are engaged, they are! I am sorry you disagree with a simple statement of fact, but I hardly think shooting the messenger is called for. I can assure you in the strongest possible terms that Lady Catherine knows far more about Mr Darcy than you possibly can after what must be a rather trifling acquaintance.”
Jane felt a sense of déjà vu from when Elizabeth was about ready to decapitate the Netherfield gentlemen. “Liiiiizzzzy,” she said in a tone designed to hopefully calm her.
Elizabeth looked at her, and then around the table to find everyone staring. She imagined they were surprised by them first chastising Mr Collins for gossiping like a fishwife, followed by Elizabeth bellowing like one.
She finally stared at Collins until he started to squirm.
“Listen very carefully, Mr Collins—and I strongly suggest you start working out how you will attempt to repair your reputation. Mr Darcy isnotengaged to Miss de Bourgh… nor will he ever be…because he is courting me!”
Then with an exasperated huff, she turned and stomped from the room without a by your leave, frustrated beyond measure by every male in the room, since her father was chuckling at the debacle.
~~~~~
It took an hour for Mary and Jane to reach Lizzy’s room, which was for the best. They found her sitting on a window seat.
“I suppose the cat is loose among the pigeons, Lizzy. It took all our effort to keep Mama from storming the door,” Jane said with a smile.
Elizabeth laughed. “I wanted a few more days of quiet, peaceful, uncomplicated courtship—but that seems unlikely now. How was Mama assuaged?”
Mary and Jane looked at each other in anticipation, and Mary said, “Believe it or not, Papa took her into the bookroom and read her the riot act. He explained that Mr Darcy is courting you, but he is skittish as a new-born colt. He said the gentleman would bolt at the first whiff of matrimonial machinations—asserting the man has been evading Lady Catherine and every other matchmaker in London for a decade, so she should just let him get on with his courtship without interference.”
