Page 2 of Won't Let Go
And the salty cum. Oh, let’s not talk about that.
I spent my first weeks after we were rescued on drugs to heal not only my injuries but also the chlamydia they gave me as a parting gift. Thankfully, I got a birth control implant years ago, so I didn’t end up pregnant. What a horrific mess that would have been.
Floating on my back, I starfish my arms and legs and open my mouth to hear the music better. It’s weird how that works, huh? I’ve always found it a little worldly wonder. Hunter used to beg me to teach him how to do it, and honestly, I still don’t know. Only that when I open my mouth, when my ears are underwater, I hear differently. That’s why I spent so much time swimming as a child. It’s also why I chose this as my final resting place.
When you spend months planning your death, the ideas are endless. Do you shoot yourself? Do you use a knife? Poison?
Drowning seems the most peaceful way to go. For me at least.
Water is and has always been my refuge from my parents and my ex. When I earned enough money after moving herewith Hunter and becoming fast friends with Loretta, who also happened to be my neighbor, I bought my first pool. It was a baby one. Deep enough for my son to splash in. It was all I could afford at the time. As the years have passed, I’ve continued to upgrade to this large above-ground pool with a deck.
For hours, I float and drink as Loretta cries silently.
I told her she didn’t need to be here, but she refuses to go.
The alcohol numbs my limbs and relaxes my brain. The water is a womb. The air is a fresh comfort as it saturates my lungs.
It’s peaceful.
Blowing out a gust of air between my lips, I smile. It’s soft and thoughtful, but I’m happy.
Happy to be done.
To finally be set free.
I’m ready to unburden the world.
There, they can’t touch me. Their phantom fingers can’t bruise my skin. Their whispers of how disgusting they find me won’t sting.
Joke’s on them. I’ve lost weight over the last year. That happens when you have no desire to eat. None of my clothes fit, and I have no need to buy replacements because I knew this would happen, and I didn’t want to waste the money. Money that could help Hunter’s future. There are boxes and bins ready in my closet, some of them already packaged and prepared for donation. I cleaned today, so nobody else had to. There’s even a stocked fridge with freshly prepared meals to reheat, so they have nourishment once I’m gone.
Oh. Hunter.
He’ll be the one I miss the most.
To see him grow into such a man. To join the brotherhood, which I know he wants to do once he’s of age. I hope he doesn’t blame them for this. For what happened to me. I hope he leans on them for support in the coming months.
As the final song on my playlist ends, I stand and wade over to Loretta, dancing my fingertips over the water.
It’s time.
Time for our final goodbye.
Reaching my best friend, her eyes are red and swollen when she wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me up tight. Her soft sob echoes in my ear as she whispers how much she loves me.
I rub her back, knowing this isn’t fair to her. But I need this. “I love you, too, crazy lady.” With a final peck to her cheek, I break from our embrace, pick up a bottle of tequila off the deck, and chug mouthfuls before I steel myself for the afterlife, no matter what it is. Anything is better than this.
I hope they’ll forgive me.
That they’ll understand.
Once they read my notes, maybe they will.
Staring into the sky, I wade to the furthest side of the pool, away from Loretta. I don’t look back. I’m not scared when I lower myself into the water and wrap the rope around my waist. I attached it to multiple kettlebells from Loretta’s garage to keep me from surfacing once I lose consciousness.
“I love you, Hunter. Please forgive me,” I whisper into the night before I dip under to find my peace.
Josh’s face is the last I see as I struggle for breath, and when the welcoming womb of darkness descends, I’m right where I want to be.
