Page 75 of Electric Blue Love
“And your brother, what did he end up doing this summer?”
It seemed like a safer question than the one I wanted to ask, but as his face fell serious and grave I wished I had just stuck to the weather or sports.
“He’s decided to do his own thing working nights so he could spend days with mom. Ever since the accident, he’s been…”
He continued but I only half heard as he went on. Accident?
I don’t know why I wanted to act like I knew. Maybe because Leo had assumed I did and I wanted to live in a world where I was still a part of Bianca’s life enough that I would be privy to those sorts of details. So instead of asking what happened and admitting I was in the dark, I asked, “How’s she doing?”
A few others on the team were entering the room now so Leo’s tone lifted, and he gave a nod to those entering as he answered. “Much better. Although, I think that could be more about Bianca moving back than anything else. She always has been mom’s favorite.”
I gaped, but Leo didn’t notice because the room was now filled with the team and the usual greetings and chatter that preempted our meetings was getting underway.
I must have said and looked the part of Court the boss man because no one seemed concerned by the noise in my head or the pounding of my heart as Leo’s information tore back open my only half-mended heart.
She was back. Bianca had moved back. I didn’t know why or what it meant, but just knowing she was back in the city she loved fed me with happiness. And then that happiness destroyed whatever hope I had left of her ever speaking to me again. She’d come back, but she hadn’t called me.
The day was too busy to give into the compulsion to obsess over the new information and figure out what to do with it, and it wasn’t until I was walking to the bar to meet Leika for our weekly drink that I could start to mull over what it all meant.
It was only five blocks to the bar, not nearly enough time to run through the million different reasons I thought Bianca might have come back. Was it the accident Leo had referred to? Had she come back for the job at JC Engineering? Was it the allure of New York City?
I really wanted to believe some part of her had at least thought of me as she’d made the decision to come back, but the radio silence for the last nine weeks was hard to get past. It stung that she hadn’t contacted me, hadn’t thought to call or text to let me know she was back. And it pissed me off that I’d somehow let someone in and gave them the power to hurt me. I didn’t even know how it had happened. She’d fused herself to me and I couldn’t separate the pieces that belonged to her. Couldn’t separate the pieces of my life that didn’t feel wrong without her part of it.
Leika was already at our table, as usual, but instead of her wary smirk she wore an all-out smile that was so big and genuine it made my mood feel even darker. Sluggishly I made my way to the table and opened my arms in time for her to throw herself into them.
“I’m engaged!” she squealed happily and squeezed me tightly.
Shit. I’d completely forgotten about Jeff planning to propose. She pulled back and we scooted into the booth. She made a show of her hand flashing the diamond ring on her finger.
“Congratulations!” I said in a voice that I hoped was cheerier than I felt. “When did he do it?”
“Last weekend,” she said smiling in that contented way people looked when they talked about proposals and weddings. “He took me to his parents’ house in Jersey and did it in front of the whole family.” She paused for dramatic effect. Leika felt the same way I did about big families – they made us uncomfortable. We didn’t know what to do or how to act with that many people hovering around us. “Aunts, uncles, cousins, even his great grandma was there,” she finished with an eye roll.
“Well you must really love him then since you said yes,” I pointed out.
She sighed. “I do, lucky fucker.”
“So, are you going to plan some gaudy, awful wedding and make people watch you walk down the aisle and do the cha cha slide?”
“Yep, might as well pick out your cummerbund now.” I groaned and Leika laughed. “Also, it’s going to be in New Jersey.”
“You’re killing me,” I told her as I spun the drink in front of me in slow circles, two hands wrapped around the glass to keep it steady.
“I know, I know,” she said and shot me a small smile. “But you’re gonna have to get used to weekends in the garden state because I’m going to need you to visit me occasionally and keep me sane.” She bit her bottom lip and waited for my reaction.
When realization finally dawned, I pulled at the collar of my shirt and loosened my tie. Leika was moving. I should have seen it coming sooner, but Leika had always complained about Jeff’s big, noisy family and the way they were always getting in their business. I never imagined she’d move away from New York – let alone to Jersey.
“Why? His family makes you crazy?”
Leika studied me for a moment. With a shrug, she said, “I think that’s what family is. A bunch of flawed people that you choose to love despite how crazy they make you. Jeff makes me want to scream sometimes but I still love the shit out of him. You too,” she kicked me under the table. “And someday I’m going to have kids of my own and I want them to have all of that. A grandma that babysits, cousins to get in trouble with, birthday parties with everyone…” her voice trailed off, but I heard the hope and joy in her words.
She was taking all the bad shit and moving past it toward a future that was everything she’d been denied. I should have been happy for her. I was, deep down somewhere that I couldn’t access right now because everything in my own life was so completely fucked.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted as I scrubbed a hand over my face.
A sad look crossed her face. “Say you’re happy for me and that even though it’ll be inconvenient, and you hate taking the train, that you’ll come visit me and still be part of my life.”
I nodded. “I am happy for you. It just feels weird, I guess. You’re the only family I’ve ever had and now it’s like you’re getting adopted and joining this big, happy family and leaving me behind.”
