Page 86 of The Fadeaway
“All done?” I hear Joel ask Christian.
He comes into the kitchen carrying his and Christian’s plates, washes and rinses them, before turning to me. Christian’s already moved on to the next thing, pushing cars around the track set up in the living room.
“I’m sorry,” he says. No attempt to smooth things over. No false promises. Just his apologies for not loving me back.
“No, I’m sorry. I got swept up in everything. You make me happy, my son happy. The way you show up for us, it’s, well, it’s hard not to fall for you.”
“I think you and Christian are great and I’d love to spend more time with you, but love and relationships are just… they’re just not something I do. You two deserve so much more than I can give you. Guess I was being selfish by forcing myself into your life when I can’t be what you need. It’s just…” He runs a hand through his hair and mumbles to the ground.“No estoy listo para rendirme.”
A tear slips out and I swipe at it furiously.
He places a finger at my chin and brings his lips to mine in the softest kiss that says the goodbye I know is coming. “Don’t cry for me, Kitty.” He steps back, eyes tormented but jaw set. “I should go.”
I nod, not trusting my voice. Further crushing my heart, he goes to Christian, squats down and speaks so I can’t hear him. Christian smiles and then bumps Joel’s fists with his own. My son is completely oblivious that this man is walking out of our lives for good and I try to be happy about that. Better now than in six months or a year when Christian is more attached.
I follow Joel to the door. He wraps me into a hug, pressing our bodies together and threading a hand through my hair. I want to stay just like this forever. Turn back time and keep my feelings stuffed down inside where they belong.
“Lo siento. Lo siento mucho.”
35
Joel
July, One Month Before College
Baby Minka Suzanneis born the last week of July. She is everything. So soft and adorable and, I inhale the top of her head and my heart feels so full, absolutely perfect. Life is perfect.
College starts next month. I got a full ride to play basketball at Valley University. Polly is taking a semester off and then she wants to go to beauty school so she can do make up for a living. She’s good at that. Even two days after having Minka, she looks flawless.
“You sure you don’t want to just move in with me? There’s an empty bedroom right next to mine, we can set up her nursery there. Plus, we’ll have more help.”
Polly finishes packing up her bag, carefully folding the tiny little pink outfits. “No, I don’t think so. That would be too weird – us living with your parents. What about if we get a place just the two of us?”
“I can’t afford that. My basketball scholarship states that I can’t work. And, I’d rather spend my free time hanging with my best girls,” I coo into sweet Minka’s chubby cheeks and then place her in the car carrier.
“Hey, did you get that baby swing I sent you the link for?”
“Nah, we already got a swing.”
Her face falls. “This one was so much better. It glides and swings. Plus, you can upload your own music to it and the seat doubles as a sleeper. We have to have it.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever you want.” This baby is already the most spoiled human in Valley.
I reach for the hospital forms, my eyes snagging on the paper lying on top. “Don’t we need to fill this out before we leave?”
“I did.” She swipes it from my hands. “That’s a copy.”
“You didn’t fill in the father section.”
“Of course, I did.” She shoves the papers inside the bag, zips it, and hands it to me. “Ready to go?”
Her too cheerful voice makes every nerve in my body stand at alert. “Are you not going to list me as her dad? I know we’re not married, and I’m cool with Minka having your last name until then, but I’m her father.”
The fear in Polly’s eyes knocks the wind out of me. “Iamher father, right?”
“I –” Her voice cracks.
I glance down at my beautiful daughter, fair skin, dark blue eyes with flecks of gold that I’m certain are going to turn green. She’ll be a beautiful mini version of her mother, but she’s mine. I feel it in my bones.
