Page 90 of The Fadeaway
“I just don’t. Why does it matter?”
“No, that’s not good enough. I want to know why?”
“The last time I was in a relationship it ended horribly. It’s not a path I want to go down again.”
“In high school? How bad could it have ended?” The way she says it I know she’s picturing my high school days differently than hers. Easy – the way my life is now. Easy comes at a cost. The price, deep and meaningful connections.
“My high school girlfriend got pregnant.”
Her mouth forms an O and I can practically see her trying to guess what might have happened.
“For months she let me believe we were going to be a family. I was all in. I would have done anything for them. Which is why I was so shocked when the baby was born, and my girlfriend told me she wasn’t sure it was mine. She’d slept with someone else while we were together and couldn’t be sure. Would have been helpful knowledge before I held that baby girl in my arms. She wasn’t mine, of course, but for those months leading up to it and those two days after she was born when I thought she was… I loved her so damn much.” Fuck, if I concentrate hard enough, I swear I can still smell the top of her newborn head. Voice like gravel, I force myself to continue. If Katrina deserves nothing else, she deserves the truth. “I never saw it coming.”
Katrina stays quiet, her lips pulled into a sad frown.
“I admire you, Kitty. I know how brave you were to have Christian and raise him basically on your own. I just…” My voice cracks and I screw my eyes shut as I say the words. “I vowed never to get that close to someone again. Not to put myself in a position where I don’t have control over the situation. And with Christian in the picture, it just makes it that much harder for me. What if things end badly for us? Losing both of you, I just…”
“I’m sorry she did that to you. That’s really shitty.”
A rough chuckle rumbles in my chest. “Yeah.”
“It’s what makes Joel, Joel.”
I grind down on my back molars. Polly’s actions making me who I am is bullshit. I’ve moved on. Except, just the thought of her makes me so angry I can’t see straight. I’m pissed at a girl I haven’t seen in almost four years and at myself for falling for her in the first place. And doubly pissed it’s fucking with what’s probably the best thing to ever happen to me.
“But, Joel, there are no guarantees. Not for you. Not for me. What she did was unfathomable, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life not trusting anyone enough to let them close? You deserve so much more. And I do too.”
A knock at the door breaks the moment and Katrina goes to answer it while I stand and try to erase all the emotions Kitty has brought out in me. I gotta get out of here. I move to the door and the man walking inside eyes me carefully. Katrina looks between us.
“Victor, this is Joel. Joel, this is Christian’s father, Victor.”
Christian cries out and Katrina steps toward his room. “I’ll be right back.”
I offer my hand to Victor. “It’s good to meet you. You’ve got a great son.”
“Yeah, I do,” he says, not letting go of my hand past the point of polite. I release, letting him have the upper hand.
“Well, I should get going.” I motion in the direction Katrina went. “Tell them I said goodbye.”
“Sure, man.”
I step toward the door and then turn back. “Take care of them. And, uh, I know it’s not my place, but Katrina is the type of girl who won’t ask for help even when she needs it. And she needs it – they need you. You should have been here already, but you know that.”
Knowing I’ve overstepped my boundaries, I give him a curt nod and leave.
37
Katrina
All of campusis talking about the game tonight. Blue and yellow floods University Hall. The café has been busy, students and professors alike getting their caffeine in anticipation to a late night watching the first round of the tournament.
One week. Seven days. Long, excruciatingly empty days without Joel. He hasn’t texted, not that I expected him to. The fantasy is officially over.
It’s the first Thursday, outside of holidays and school breaks, that Joel has missed, and I can’t help but wonder if he’d have come even if he weren’t in Salt Lake City.
Gabby appears at the back of the line and waves. I’m so happy to see her I focus and get the four orders in front of her done quickly.
“Hey!” I say when she’s finally at the counter. “What are you doing here?”
