Page 88 of Jilted Jock
Subject: Message Delivery Failure Subject: Last Hope
Address not found.
The following message could not be sent to [email protected] the user couldn’t be found. Check for typos or unnecessary spaces and try again.
This feels like my last hope. A shot in the dark that you’ll read this and have some small idea of how sorry I am and how goddamn much I miss you.
I was an idiot. I failed you a hundred times over. You risked so much for me and then I failed to protect you when you needed me. You’re not just an addict. You’re smart and gorgeous and you’re so damn brave. I see you, sweetheart. All of you.
You were right; you and I live in two different worlds, but I’d move heaven and earth to be with you so figuring out how to combine our worlds shouldn’t be so hard. Give me a chance. I won’t let you down again.
Finn
Adele
I was somewhere in Nebraska looking for a sign. Not an actual sign, an omen. Some universal acknowledgment that I was doing the right thing. Quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, and starting across the country without a plan was the rashest thing I’d done in a really long time and I’d officially reached myHoly Shit What Have I Donemoment.
The fact that it’d taken eight days for it to sink in said something. The first week I’d mostly been numb. Saying goodbye to my life in New York was easier than I’d expected. I would always be grateful for the time there if only because it had cemented how much California meant to me. Maybe home was wherever you made it to some people, but for me home was a specific place and the people who lived there.
Once I’d loaded up my car, I’d headed south on a sixteen-hour detour to Orlando. If I was going to drive across the country, what was another day or two of driving? And, honestly, if the Hogwarts Express and butterbeer couldn’t cure my heartbreak, then nothing could.
They hadn’t, but they’d brought the first smile to my lips since saying goodbye to Finn. From there, I’d gone northwest staying overnight in a couple Midwestern towns and thinking of how Finn had wanted to see their charm.
And that’s where I was, looking at a bulletin board at a bed and breakfast just outside of Omaha, trying not to breakdown and call him. I’d blocked his number to give myself time to think, but the desire to hear his voice was so strong. I’d even deleted my email account, but then the thought of losing all the sweet words he’d ever written had me scrambling to reactivate before they were gone forever. I’d read each one every night before I fell asleep. They were proof of that wild, crazy love I thought wasn’t possible for me before I’d met him.
Finn loved big and reckless. I had no doubt that he would fight to be with me no matter the cost. From his relationship with Cindy to the way he’d been with me, Finn was loyal to a fault. When he gave himself to someone, he did it wholly and completely. He was blind to the red flags or maybe just so damn stubborn he thought he could charge through them.
Either way, I knew that his love for me was so big he’d keep loving me even if it wasn’t what was best for him. I couldn’t bear that.
I’d made the wrong choice once before and hated myself for it. So, though I was going back to California, I needed to know if being together was what was best for both of us before I faced him. I needed to be one hundred percent certain.
I needed a sign.
A van pulled up to the curb and a group piled out. Each one was dirtier than the last, clothes wrinkled and large backpacks in tow. When the smell of wood smoke drifted off them, I smiled.
“Just get done camping?” I asked the girl who came through the open door of the BnB first.
“Yes, five nights of sleeping on the ground and I need a real bed.”
A guy with red hair and a sunburnt face that nearly matched came up behind her and kissed her cheek. “Need I remind you that this was your idea?”
She scrunched up her nose. “Worst idea ever.” But as he headed past us to the check-in counter, I could see she didn’t mean it.
“I surprised him with a camping trip for his fortieth birthday. We’re only stopping here to rest up because tomorrow I booked a rock-climbing excursion that’s going to blow his mind.” She squealed quietly and then fell in with the rest of the group as they entered.
I chuckled to myself as I turned back to the bulletin board. Finn was everywhere. In every thought and every memory. I saw him in every other person I met, every place I visited. My entire world had shifted since I met him. Forgetting him would never be possible. Living without him would be like my time in New York – devoid of heart and purpose. There was no moving on from him – he was too much of who I was to simply extract the pieces he’d touched. He was all of me.
And maybe that was as good a sign as any.
Finn
“Great to see you again, Finn,” Dr. Swythe addressed me as everyone gathered their things.
The conference room in the back of the used bookstore was small and smelled old and musty, but I kept coming anyway.
“Good to see you, too.”
