Page 98 of Bad Crush
“I’m sorry. Seeing my mom took me by surprise. It’s not an excuse, but it reminded me how few people I have left in my life. Maybe this just wasn’t meant to be. I need you in my life. Even if we’re just friends.” I’m not sure if I believe that or if I’m trying to convince myself because I think he does.
He stands and takes my hands, links our pinkie fingers. “You can’t mean that. We’re great together. I get that my track record sucks, but I’m crazy about you.”
I wanna believe that. Really I do, but I’m not sure it’s worth the risk. I’m not a gambler. Never have been. I learned early on that the house always wins.
“I care about you so much, Adam, but I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.”
His face twists with frustration and maybe even sadness.
“I should go.”
He drops my hands and steps back. Jaw set in stone, mouth in a hard line, and still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.
I’ve watched Adam fall out of love with a lot of girls. It looks a lot like the look on his face right now.
28
Reagan
It’s going to be a good day, Cancer! Put a little extra pep in your step, blast some tunes, and be ready for anything.
“Reagan?”Dakota knocks on the door. “Rea, are you in there?”
I don’t answer. I don’t trust my voice or the tears that might follow. I’m tired of crying.
“I ordered lunch. Please open up.” She waits a few seconds longer. “Okay, well, food is on the counter. I’m going to class, but if you need anything or just want to talk, text me.” She waits a few seconds longer, and then I hear her footsteps down the hall, and the front door opens and shuts.
Curling up tighter and hugging a sweatshirt that Adam left in my room, I breathe in his scent. You’d think it wouldn’t possibly be calming after last night, but somehow even heartbroken and angry, all I want is to be surrounded by him any way I can.
He’s certainly never coming back inside my room. I was mean and accused him of awful things. I took out all of my frustrations on him. I don’t blame him for not calling or texting or chasing me down and trying to win me back. No sane guy would. And maybe it’s better this way.
No, I don’t blame him. I blame Lori.
All night, I alternated punching my pillow and then sobbing into it. They say you can’t outrun your past. I don’t want to run from it. I want to move forward and erase it and all the damage and baggage that goes with it. I thought I had—stupid me.
This is for the best. All I did was beat him to the punch. Still, I sigh and wonder what if. The thing is, I may not have meant to blow up at him and say all of those things, but they were true. All of those concerns were things I was worried about even before Lori showed up. He says it’s different, but is it?
When my alarm goes off an hour later, I’m in the same position. There’s only one thing that could pull me out of bed today. I’m sluggish as I change clothes and splash water on my face. So sluggish that by the time I get to rehearsal, I’m late.
They’ve already started, and Mila is on stage for me. I get into costume for the next scene change and then watch from the wings.
Mila’s come a long way from the nervous girl who walked into auditions. She’s gained confidence, and that’s made everything else she does better. At the end of the scene, they stop while Director Hoffman makes some adjustments to props and positioning.
“Sorry, I’m late,” I say, walking out onto the stage.
Mila smiles at me, but our hard nose director does not. I know how he feels about people being late. I’d offer more than my apology, but I don’t have a good reason aside from my broken heart and, I’m just guessing, but I doubt he cares.
“Everyone get set for the next scene,” he says and steps up onto the stage.
Theater has always been the one place I can shut off the world and slide into someone else’s skin, but today I can’t summon the strength to be anyone but me. Sad, angry, heartbroken Reagan. It isn’t as easy to get to that place where I block out everything else and become my character, but by the time we’re done, I finally feel a little better. And I’ve even managed to not think about Adam for a bit.
I grab my water while we get feedback. I know my performance today was abysmal. I mean, I’ve been struggling to nail some of the movements and dialogue, but whatever steps I’d taken to improve over the past few weeks, I leaped twelve backward. I’m surprised when he doesn’t call me out, but as we start to clean up, he calls for me and Mila.
I have an awful feeling as he regards us. He wastes no time beating around the bush. Hands on hips, he says, “Reagan, Mila is going to cover your part.”
“What? Cover for me when?”
“For the duration of the play.”
