Page 133 of Playbook
My stomach churns when I don’t see her. I knew London wouldn’t be here. I asked for space and she’s given it to me, but it still hurts not to see her in her usual spot.
“The guys are here.” Archer turns and points toward a section where we often get seats for family and friends. Hendrick, Knox, and even Flynn are sitting side by side. When they see us looking, they all wave in unison. Flynn even sort of smiles.
I wave back, shocked.
“Did you tell them about Sabrina?”I ask, turning back to Archer and signing the question too.
“No way. That’s not my place. You can tell them when you’re ready.”
I’m relieved, though I can’t say why.
“I don’t understand then,” I say.
“What?”
“You’re not playing today, they don’t know about Sabrina…why are they all here?” I realize that sounds like I don’t want them here, which is never true. It’s just…it’s the first time we’ve all been in one spot since Flynn left for college. How is he even here? That’s a long-ass trip for a weekend visit.
“To cheer for you,” Archer says slowly like the answer is beyond obvious.
I can’t think of what to say. I know they all care about me, and maybe they just planned to come to a game anyway and decided not to cancel even though Arch isn’t on the field.
“Dude.” He grabs hold of my shoulder and squeezes. “They’re here for you. They love you. I love you.”
“I know and I appreciate it, but they should have waited until they could watch you play too. You are their brother.” I try to shrug out of his hold, but he won’t let me.
“Stop it. Stop acting like you aren’t just as important to them.”
I cock my head to the side. I’m not trying to play the pity card, but I’m not as important. I’m just not and that’s okay.
“This is what you do. You let people in but only to a point. Even me. You don’t have to be the happy, carefree guy all the time. You act like nothing ever bothers you, but I know better. I know shit with your family sucked and that you’ve done your best to bury it and never think of it, but it will eat you alive if you don’t. Let us be there for you. You are our brother. You’re one of us. You always have been, and you always will be.”
“I know what you’re saying, but I’m not. As much as I joke about being a Holland brother, as much as I have wished for it to be true my whole life, we’re not blood. It’s not the same.”
“No, it’s not. And thank god for that.”
“You don’t get what I mean.” I try to think how to phrase it.
“I do though. My dad walked out on my family and your parents suck. Fuck blood. Fuck all that. Family is a hell of a lot more than DNA. You are one of us. If you’re not a Holland, then neither am I, because we are the same here.” He removes his hand from my shoulder and places it in a fist over his heart.
I swallow thickly and the back of my eyes burn.
I love you.He signs the words.You are my brother always.
He’s said similar things before, but the intensity in his face, the way they’re all here, the way they’re always here when I need them…it finally hits me how deeply he means the words.
“I love you too.” I grab him around the neck and hug him. I feel him relax under my embrace and then he squeezes me back.
“Fuck,” he mutters. “I thought I was going to have to punch you.”
I laugh, a real honest to god laugh that makes my entire body feel lighter. When I pull back, I shove at his shoulder. “Try it and see what happens.”
He chuckles, looking a whole lot less stressed than I’ve seen him in a while.
“I’m sorry,” I say. I thought what he had with his brothers was different, but maybe that was just me keeping them at arm’s length. Not intentionally, of course, but deep down I guess as much as I have always wanted family, I was scared too.
“No. None of that. We’re good.” He tips his head toward the field. “Now go and kick some ass for the both of us.”
“Hold up.” Everything is almost the way it should be.
