Page 12 of Forever Wild
My mom calls as I’m contemplating either turning over in my lounge chair or slathering on another layer of sunscreen. I love the sun, but I do not want to look like I do.
I hesitate before answering it,but guilt wins out.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hello! Hello!” She sounds chipper and happy. I never know what mood I’m going to get her in, but I sigh in relief that today is a good mood day. “What are you up to? I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“Sorry, I’ve been busy. I’m taking care of Tyler’s place while he’s gone, and some of the other Wildcat players.” Was there time to call her? Yes, of course. Was I afraid she’d somehow unintentionally make me feel like shit? Also, yes. It’s a gift, really. She can say the most hurtful things in the most innocuous way.
“It’s okay. I remember what it was like to be your age,” she says with a fondness that makes me want to cling to this summer even harder. “When do you leave for your internship?”
“I start on August first.” I stare out at the clear water as my stomach flutters with nerves.
“You don’t sound very excited,” she comments. I hate that she can still pick up on things. That feels like a gift that should be reserved for more present parents. But she seems to know me, even if she’s not always been the most attentive mom.
“No, I am,” I insist, pushing out the uneasiness I feel every time I think about the job. “It’s a really great opportunity.”
“But?”
Sighing quietly, I wonder if I should just keep it to myself. I don’t want her to hold it over my head later if I fail.“You weren’t excited enough. You can’t accomplish anything with that attitude. You didn’t give it your all.”Or whatever other words of wisdom she’ll find to make me feel worse. I think she generally means well, but she has adopted some toxic positivity over the past year that can really pile on an already shitty situation.
“I don’t know,” I say finally. “I was thinking I could stay in school.Maybe get a master’s degree or something.”
Silence hangs on the line. Holding the phone between my shoulder and ear, I free my hands to pick at my chipped, blue nail polish.
“A master’s degree?” She repeats it back after an uncomfortable amount of time has passed. Her tone would suggest I told her I was going to sail around the world in a rowboat. “Honey, you barely managed to finish high school.”
She lets out a small laugh that makes my entire body flush with shame. A shame rooted in truth. It’s no secret that I barely eked by in high school, but having it thrown in my face still feels awful.
“That was different. I enjoyed college and my grades were good.” Better than good. I managed to get straight As the last two years. If it weren’t for an asshole psychology professor who loved to design tests to trick his students, I would have escaped without anything lower than a B. That C will haunt me until the day I die.
“You were an art major.” The underlying blow of her comment that indicates how little brains she thinks it takes to get an art degree and of my intellect, goes unsaid.
“It was just something I was thinking,” I say dismissively. I knew better than to bring it up. It’s been on my mind a lot and all my friends are busy. Grace took a job and started work right after graduation, so did most of my other college friends. Bridget and everyone else I know are taking the off-season to vacation and spend time with family. Tyler and Piper would always drop everything for me, but they’re so excited about it that I can almost see the hurt it would cause them if I mentioned being uncertain. They have done so much for me and I don’t want them to think I’m ungrateful.
“It’s normal to be nervous about taking the next step. Thisinternship will be great. You’ll see.”
“You’re right.” I close my eyes and picture myself designing spaces, picking out furniture and art, making houses feel like an extension of the people that live there. I can see it so clearly and it fills me with some of the sparks of anticipation that have been missing these past weeks since I found out I was selected for the internship.
“Of course, I am. You have such a great eye.” The praise mixed with the playful smugness of her voice makes everything she said earlier hurt a little less. “So, what else is new?”
We talk for a few more minutes before she claims she has to go so she can help dad find something to eat.
Immediately after, I call Bridget.
“Hellooo!” Her voice makes a real smile tug at both corners of my mouth.
“Hello to you.” I stand and stretch. Sitting for so long in that lounge chair has my butt numb. “How’s vacation?”
I walk barefoot around the pool. The ground is warm, and a breeze blows my hair lightly.
“Good. We just got back from a farmer’s market and we’re going to take a little picnic out on the boat.”
My nose scrunches up. I can picture it. Bridget’s curly blonde hair blowing in the wind and Ash nearly crashing the boat as he stares at her. The man is obsessed with her. “You two are adorable.”
“I can feel you making a face at me, but I am choosing to take the compliment.”
Light laughter escapes and, god, I miss her. I have no idea how I’ll survive living in another city all the time. She’s been gone for two days and I’m almost ready to pack up and invade their cozy couple vacation.
