Page 168 of The Blessings of Christmas
“It all happened so fast last summer when I came back.” Eyes distant, Malcolm seemed to be assessing last summer. And she wanted to hear it, all of it. So she said nothing, which was always hard for her. “I wasn't feeling great when I got back, Josie. I had some doctors to see, and there was Darcy, the girl I dated in high school. So sweet...at least, I thought so back then. So understanding. She knew me.”
Better than I know you?But Josie was not interrupting the flow.
“And she seemed solid, you know. A way into the future. I wanted to believe in the future back then. And she seemed to be so accepting.” He heaved a giant sigh.
“Accepting of what? Your Peace Corps experience?” She wanted to understand what he was saying.
Malcolm turned troubled eyes to her. And there was such a pain in those eyes that she leaned forward. What could she do to ease that pain? “I probably will never have children, Josie.”
“Oh, Malcolm.” Once upon a time he had mentioned that he wanted a big family. Malcolm was an only child and she’d always assumed that his childhood had been rather lonely. So what he was telling her now must have been devastating. “I'm so sorry.”
“Yeah. Some exotic tropical fever. Caused a lot of trouble and the doctors in New York had to figure it out. Most of it could be cured by medications, and I don't get night sweats anymore. But another result of that fever can't be cured.” He dropped his eyes.
“And Darcy didn't accept that?” What could be that bad? Josie wanted to wring the neck of a woman she’d never met.
Shifting his gaze to the Christmas tree, Malcolm slid down a bit more on the sofa. “That was one thing of course. But it wasn't really the deciding factor. We weren't a couple. The more time passed, the more I realized we weren’t a good match.” Here he gave a gutsy chuckle as if he were laughing at himself. “And Darcy knew it too. We have different values.”
I could have told you that.But she didn't. Hearing his news brought her such a relief. Maybe people have to learn the basic truths about themselves to be happy. And although she considered Malcolm to be very wise, he might still be learning some of those basic truths. Wasn’t life one long learning process? “But there are lots of ways to have babies, aren't there?” She hadn't given this a lot of thought. “Like adoption. Stuff like that?”
Reaching over, he squeezed her hand. “Always looking on the sunny side, Josie. That's you.”
“Is that a bad thing?” She wanted to keep her hand in his forever. But he slowly drew it away.
Pivoting, he faced her. She couldn't remember when she'd had a heart-to-heart with anyone like this. Of course she’d had a lot of conversations with Malcolm over the time they worked together. Non-fiction books would come in and they ended up talking about family relationships, the meaning of education, the greatest political figures in American history. Really interesting stuff, at least to them.
But this was different. This was personal.
“So now what?”
Throwing back his head, he laughed. Malcolm had such a nice strong throat. But she was becoming distracted. “This is the manager in you, I guess,” he said. “You always need the next step. Well, I don't really have a next step. But I know I'm going to be very careful.”
“Well, I would hope so.” Her relief was edged with caution. She didn't want to make too big a deal out of this, but she was so relieved. Darcy didn't deserve this man. But all this didn't mean that the door was open for her. She wasn't that foolish. Obviously Malcolm had been hurt by what had happened. Who wouldn't be?
Later Josie would think back to the confusion at the door and wonder how it had happened. She was hugging him goodbye. Just a hug, that was all. When he went to kiss her on the cheek, she moved. Not intentionally. No, of course not.
But his lips landed on hers. And they felt so good, so welcoming. “Josie,” he whispered between kisses. Because yes, there was more than one kiss. Later she decided that they both kind of lost it right there. Embarrassing as it was, she knew this was the kiss she'd been waiting for all her life. Of course she wanted more. Was one chocolate chip cookie ever enough for her? Not on your life.
Then they came to their senses. Drawing back, Malcolm looked shocked, as if he hadn't meant to do this. Josie’s heart folded. Was it even still beating? While she stood there, one hand pressed to her chest, Malcolm stumbled backward. “Guess I should go. Thanks. I mean, it was fun. Setting up your tree. And everything.”
“Sure. Good night.” She watched Malcolm stumble out to the jeep and slam the door behind him. Turning, she fell against the door frame and brought her fingertips to her lips. They were still tingling. He drove away and she went inside. Wandering into the kitchen like a sleepwalker, she dug the pizza box from the trash. Flipping it open, she was relieved to find one piece left.
Somehow she made it to the sofa. The tree looked so beautiful. Josie would never forget this evening. That kiss? She didn't know what the heck it meant. Did it have to meananything? Maybe it had been an accident. Maybe it had been nothing.
Sometimes a girl has to settle for cold pizza.
CHAPTER 14
Acouple of mornings later she was headed toward the harbor with Emily and Bryn. Of course the two mothers were pushing their strollers. For a change Alex was sleeping. Josie peeked into the stroller. “Is he okay?”
“I've started finger food. Scrambled eggs. He likes it. Seems to fill him up so we’re all for it.” Emily looked jubilant.
“I didn't realize scrambled eggs were finger food.” How did that work? It was a good thing Josie wasn't a mother. She knew nothing about this whole baby thing.
Bryn also peered down at Alex. “Eggs are finger food? Boy, I have a lot to learn.” As usual, Sheldon was asleep, despite the jingle bells that Bryn had attached to the stroller. Somehow Emily had managed to add deer antlers to the front of hers. Alex loved to play with them when he was awake. Josie thought she saw a bit of scrambled eggs caught in the antlers.
“Malcolm kissed me.”
Josie's words hit the air like a cherry bomb. The strollers stopped. Emily grabbed one of Josie's arms, and Bryn clutched the other. Why had she even mentioned this? But the memory was too big a truth to keep to herself. She’d explode. Josie had hardly gotten any sleep the night before.
