Page 58 of The Blessings of Christmas
The joke had stopped being funny.
The side street hadn’t been plowed. Amanda gripped the wheel so tight she could feel the hard ridges through her gloves. Maybe leaving Harlem had been a mistake. Was she getting anywhere? This was like churning through six inches of oatmeal. On either side, of the street, cars were stuck in driveways. Abandoned shovels stood upright in snow banks. The only sound was the eerie ping of icy snow hitting the windshield. Holiday lights cast a dull glow through the snow-covered bushes. She passed a man digging his car out. Red-faced and panting, he didn’t look happy.
She opened her window. “Merry Christmas,” she called out above the scrape of his shovel.
Straightening, he pushed back his navy stocking cap. He was probably around their age, thirty or so. In the house behind him, a young woman stood watching, a swaddled infant in her arms. Yearning squeezed Amanda’s chest.
The man smiled. “Same to you. Don’t get stuck now. Don’t want to have to dig you out.”
“I’ll be careful. Watch it lifting all that snow.”
He waved and got back to work, broad-shouldered and invincible. Like Connor.
Sleety snow sifted through her open window and Amanda closed it.
The car crept along. Every time she stepped on the gas, the Malibu fishtailed. This had been a stupid idea. A sickening chill rolled over her. She would have been better off on the main street.
How would she ever explain this to Connor if she got stuck?
Took forever to inch forward for a couple more blocks. Almost every window held a Christmas tree or a blue star, eaves and bushes dripping with lights. Chicago was like a giant Christmas cookie during the holidays.
Where was her holiday cheer this year? She should feel wildly excited about this couple’s shower, a concept she’d had to explain to her father over the phone.”
“You mean the men go to this baby party too? Sounds kind of sissyish to me.”
Amanda had laughed. “Have you ever met a Kirkpatrick man who was a sissy?”
That brought a muffled grumble. Her dad adored Connor’s father and brothers. Probably would have loved to have a self reliant and strong son. But Amanda was an only child.
That’s when it happened. While Amanda’s mind wandered, the car skidded sideways. She turned the wheels into the slide, just like Connor had taught her. Didn’t help. With a dull thunk that reverberated through her body, the Malibu smacked into a snow bank. She counted to ten and then began to work. Shifting from forward to reverse like a Nascar driver, she tried to rock the car from the bank, No luck and she wasn’t liking the smell of the engine by the time she gave up.
The street was ghostly silent. No one was coming to help. Snow continued to shift from the sky like powdered sugar. She’d have to walk. The Kirkpatrick house wasn’t that far. Two other cars were abandoned along this street – not a good sign. After turning off the heat and her lights, she grabbed her purse, got out and locked up the car. No use trying to find the sidewalk. She took off and stayed in the street.
The air felt crisp and clear and the first few breaths stung her lungs. Walking in snow this deep was no picnic and she kept her ears perked for a car. Thank goodness she’d worn kneehigh boots. Christmas decorations blinked at her from trees and bushes.
Another Christmas.When had Christmas turned into a reminder of what they didn’t have? Maybe it was all the ads for toys. Inserts in the Sunday newspaper and commercials on TV. Just no escaping the excited smiles of children everywhere she turned. After a while she could hardly stand to read the Sunday paper.
But this year was different.
Maybe thiswouldbe a better Christmas. Spectacular even, if Angie didn’t change her mind and decide to keep her baby.Their baby.Maybe.
Amanda tipped her face up and stuck out her tongue to catch the snow, smiling at the icy pinpricks. Maybe she’d teach her little boy to do this. How old would he have to be to stick his tongue out? She had no clue. She knew zip about being a mother. Connor was the one with the big family. She didn’t even have babysitting to fall back on. Her parents had wanted her to do well in school and she really didn’t need the money like some of her friends.
A wind kicked up and the snow shifted into deeper drifts like a wily beast. For a second, she stood there, boots stuck. Motherhood might be a stretch for her, even though she’d read every book she could get her hands on.What to Expect When You’re Expectinghelped her appreciate what Angie was experiencing. Connor and Amanda met with her every two or three weeks. She wanted the girl to know they appreciated her backaches and the cramps in her legs. Amanda had read all about them.
But heck, Angie was so young. She didn’t complain about a thing. Seemed like she was breezing through the months, a thin reed of a girl with a pronounced baby bump. Amanda was the one poring over self help books.
Connor seemed so confident. “Don’t worry. Parenting comes naturally. Just ask my mom.”
Was that his pride talking or did he really feel that way? For Amanda, none of this had come naturally. The years had brought disappointment and an increasing number of doctor appointments and bills. Through it all, Connor’s love kept her steady and secure.
But things had been different between them lately.
She was beginning to wonder.
Why had she left her hat in the car? The tips of her ears burned and she cupped her mittened hands over both ears. Of course motherhood came naturally for Maureen Kirkpatrick. She’d only been in her early twenties when she had Connor. Amanda was twenty-nine and felt like forty.
How far had she come? Four blocks? Turning around, she couldn’t see the car. A truck must have come down this street and she stepped into the deep groove left by the tires.
