Page 65 of The Blessings of Christmas
“Sorry. Nothing I say comes out right anymore.”
Or am I taking everything the wrong way?
She eased out a sigh. “Sorry, it’s just that we were so happy. Took so many precautions so we wouldn’t have a baby. We were careful.”
“Yeah, maybe too careful.” The glum note in his voice made her turn around.
“We agreed not to second-guess the decisions we made back then.”
“It’s just that sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault, even though my sperm count was okay.”
But “okay” wouldn’t do it. Not for a Kirkpatrick. “Connor, don’t. Does it bother you that you’re the oldest in your family but not leading the way with the baby making?”
He blew out a breath. “Don’t be ridiculous, Amanda. That’s not it at all.”
The two red circles burning high on his cheekbones made her wonder. Connor took his position as the oldest child in the Kirkpatrick family pretty seriously. He’d followed in his father’s footsteps at the firehouse. Had he expected to lead the way in other efforts as well? Sure, Seth and Joe hadn’t married yet, but Mark and Janie had two little boys. James and Randy were cute as the dickens. Malcolm had three children. The Kirkpatricks were all about family. She felt the lack of children every time shewas around their nieces and nephews. How uncomfortable was that for Connor?
He heaved a gut-deep sigh, stood up and stretched. “Sorry, babe, but I have to get some shuteye.”
She got up to snap off the tree lights. “Wish you didn’t have to work so much.”
“The new shifts are still under review. Some of the guys like it because of the twenty-four hours on and time off. But lately, they’ve had to call us in anyway.”
Amanda climbed the stairs to their bedroom while Connor made the nightly rounds on the first floor. Didn’t take long to lock everything up tight. She could hear him slide the bolt in the front door. By the time he pushed back the covers and spooned behind her, she was half asleep.
“Love you, babe.”
“Back at you.”
Some nights they’d slept far apart, so disappointed about the family thing. She liked this a lot better.
They had to have hope. But for her that night, hope felt as far away as the stars.
CHAPTER 2
The room was pitch dark when Amanda shook off the miserable dream. This wasn’t the first time. She dragged herself up slowly, not wanting to wake Conner. In the reoccurring dream she wanders through a large house following a baby’s cry. The distant wail draws her forward. Dressed in just a nightgown, she throws open doors and dashes down dark hallways trying to find the infant.
But nothing.
She finds nothing and her arms are empty.
Easing herself out of bed, Amanda padded barefoot across the cold floor and into the nursery that still smelled faintly like paint. No need to turn on the lights. This room was written on her heart. Harper had come home to Chicago in late fall to work on the finer points. Her art background had been a big help. First, she’d brushed the walls sky blue and when the paint dried, sponged the walls with a slightly darker blue. The white clouds had been the final touch. Some white fleecy dollops resembled plump dolphins. Others thinned into spiny sea horses.
Connor’s younger brother, Joe, had made the honey-colored pine furniture. A bentwood rocker sat in the corner, a gift from Maureen and Big Mike—a first baby tradition. “You’re suregoing to need it, Amanda. You’ll see,” Maureen had told her with a laugh while Big Mike unloaded the chair from his pickup. “Those nights when the baby has gas and won’t sleep. You can rock the crying away.”
Amanda ran her hands over the smooth ebony finish. The chair became the first stop for her when she came in from school. Hands on the bentwood armrests, she rocked, imagining the baby cradled in her arms. Other mothers might complain about being awakened. Not her.
When the plans with Angie were as firm as they could be and a due date had been determined, Amanda put in for a maternity leave at school. Was she tempting fate? The baby shower planned by the other teachers had filled her with reservations. Sure, she smiled and thanked them. But what if…
If.The word whispered through her mind.
They’d tried for so long and in so many ways.
How she wished she could be hopeful, like Connor. Anything was possible for the Kirkpatricks, who shouldered through life with a confident smile and a joke. Amanda was more like her mother who always saw the dark side. Life was doled out in strained measure. Her mother probably approached this baby with the same skepticism that dogged Amanda right now. No wonder her parents weren’t acknowledging the baby shower tomorrow.
Slipping into the chair, Amanda began to rock. Maureen was right. The motion was comforting.
Sitting nextto Connor in church the next day, Amanda couldn’t shake her troubling dream. She’d never share it with her husband. He’d give her one of those looks. Men didn’t believe indreams, did they? Filled with the scent of pine and candle wax, the service should carry hope and peace. Crossing one leg over the other she jiggled her foot.
