Page 49 of Change My Mind
“But then Dad had a heart attack on my bedroom floor, and Clara wasn’tthere,and I realised that the playing field would never be equal again. Because I had seen this seemingly impossible thing happen in the house we grew up in. In theroomI grew up in, and she only had to deal with it after the fact. Clara could still walk into our house, and it felt normal for her. I couldn’t even sleep in my own fucking bed because I felt like I was living in Groundhog Day. That image of him falling to the floor, gasping for breath. The panic flooding my system, and the way it made my blood feelcold. It didn’t matter that I knew he was fine, that he was going to be fine. I couldn’t escape it.
“I’d applied to a couple of unis outside of the UK. I guess just to see if I could get in, and I was accepted into one in New Zealand and another in Canada. In a moment of extreme pettiness, I chose Canada because the uni was in Montreal. And if I lived there for four years, then I would have something over Clara that wasn’t watching our dad fight for his life in my room. But also, I thought it would be a way for me to stay connected to my parents while I was living in a different country. How could I not feel connected to them when I was living in the city where they fell in love? I hadn’t planned on staying there beyond getting a degree, but you know, life happens. Four years became five. Somewhere in year six, I got a call from Becky that she was engaged. Then, in year seven, I got an invitation to her wedding. By the time the wedding came around, I’d been gone for eight years, and so much had happened, and even though I knewofit, I didn’t really know about it, you know? Why did my sister spend so many years with a guy who broke up with her in less than five minutes after a decade together? When did Jesse become so integrated into their lives that when Clara invited him to the wedding, Becky didn’t even bat an eyelid? When did Rachel officially throwin the towel when it came to dating, and did anyone try to talk her out of it? I had so many questions, and I couldn’t ask them because, as far as they all knew, they were keeping me in the loop.
“And they were. They really did over-communicate to make sure that I knew all the big stuff. But I was still out of the loop, because the big stuff isn’t always the important stuff. It’s in the small stuff, too. I thought maybe things would change now that I’m not in a different country and time zone. But here I am, in walking distance, and somehow, everyone was at my sister’s fucking engagement but me.”
Addie sniffed again. I started massaging her calf in earnest. She tensed for a moment when my thumb pressed into the belly of her calf, but then she melted into the touch. As she relaxed, I carefully asked my next question.
“Okay, so what is the actual story of the engagement?”
Addie made a small sound of contentment that morphed into a loud sigh as she melted further into my touch.
“Because Clo was supposed to be with me for most of today, Jesse figured that he finally had a big enough window to make her a surprise meal where he was going to pop the question. But there was a slight problem because Jesse decided to make a dish that he had no experience with, and he called Becky to help. And then Becky asked Lucy to pick up some stuff that she couldn’t get, so Lucy showed up. Jesse had been using Rachel as a sounding board for proposal ideas, so she knew everything, and when she saw the twins arriving at their flat, she knew something was afoot, so she got involved too. I guess Clo went home earlier than she planned because I wasn’t there, and now here we are. An engagement photo I am not in.”
“By the sounds of it, it wasn’t supposed to be a ‘them’ event with you finding out after the fact. If today had gone differently, then you all would have found out via thegroup chat.” I tried to sound reassuring, but wasn’t sure I was nailing it. I moved to massage her other leg.
Addie huffed in annoyance as her muscles relaxed.
“Intellectually, I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was calling for two chicken, one fish, while they were witnessing Clo get engaged. And why did Rachel know Jesse was planning on proposing, and not me? Her sister. Why didn’t Jesse come to me? And also, that’s my mum’s fucking ring, so why couldn’t she have given me a hint?”
“I don’t want to make you feel worse than you already do, but does Jesse know you that well? Do you even have his number?”
Addie gently prodded me with her other foot. “It’s annoying that I can’t lament about this with the girls, who would let me be irrational in peace and wouldn’t try to offer helpful advice or be a voice of reason.” Addie pouted.
I continued. “Also, your mum probably didn’t say anything about the ring, just in case you accidentally let it slip to Clara that she didn’t need to try and come up with her own proposal plans. You were the one she was talking to about that. Do you know if the girls knew about that?”
“I never asked. I wanted to feel special and think that she was only confiding in me about her woes in trying to propose to him. They might have known.”
“But maybe they didn’t. Maybe Clara wanted that to be something only between the two of you. Don’t hate me because I am about to be the voice of reason again, but I think you should talk to them about how you feel. You’ve lived in a certain rhythm for a long time, and it can be hard to alter that, but if they don’t know how you feel, then they can’t make more obvious adjustments.”
Addie was silent again, her legs getting heavier in my lap as I continued working my thumb into her muscles.
“You know, I thought talking to you was going to be thehardest conversation I was going to have this week,” she said quietly.
My hand stilled.
“Why would talking to me be so hard?”
“Because you’ve been avoiding me since we had sex,” she scoffed.
Thirty-Two
ADDIE
“Ithought I explained that the reason I’ve been gone so much is because I need to be in control of everything right now?” Eli said, sounding incredulous.
“Yeah, but I found that outtoday. We had sex a week ago. What’s a girl to think?” I pointed out.
“Okay, fair. That was on me. I should have mentioned I was going to suddenly be working a lot more for the next couple of weeks.” He paused and pinched his bottom lip between his fingers before taking a deep breath. “But you also didn’t make an effort to try and talk to me. Every time I was home, you were behind a closed bedroom door. If it wasn’t for the fact that you were leaving food out for me every night, I would have thought that you’d moved out.” He squeezed my leg, and I felt the touch everywhere. “Thanks for that, by the way.”
“You’re welcome.” I prodded his bicep with my finger. “And I was only avoiding you because I thoughtyou were avoiding me. You should know by now that I am nothing if not petty.”
“What adults we are.” He laughed as his hand moved up to rest on my lower thigh.
The pressure of his thumb pressing into my sore lower leg muscles was more soothing than distracting as I lamented over how shitty everything felt right now. It was safe. Nice.Relaxing.
But his hand on my lower thigh felt different. Heavier. More intentional. I could feel myself getting hotter. I cleared my throat.
I tried to shift my leg from under his touch, but he gently gripped my leg and held me there.
