Page 92 of Change My Mind
I had spent so long denying I had feelings for Eli beyond rage that my knee-jerk reaction was to deny there had ever been anything but white-hot anger from me towards him. But somewhere over the summer, I was able to admit to myself that it wasn’t a new crush I had on Eli, it was an old one, reignited.
“Does that make me Superman?” I joked softly.
Rachel smiled. “You do have the glasses. And you also have a healthy dose of fear. Which I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling, but that fear is keeping you from playing the game.”
“Is the game love?” I said, sarcasm thick in my voice.
“Yes. Now, brace yourself, Adrienne, because I am about to tell you that your problem is daddy issues.”
Clara and I both snorted. Rachel rolled her eyes.
“I don’t mean in the way that you both think. Darren is great. And the way he loves Vivi is even greater, which is whereyourproblem, Addie, lies. You grew up with a high bar on what to expect from a romantic relationship. Both of you did, but only you, Addie, had to watch your dad have a heart attack right in front of you and then deal with the immediate impact that it had on your mother.
“You had to hold Vivi up while she fell apart. You had to come home to the scene of the incident every day until you left for uni. You had to watch your dad build his strength back up. You, more than any other person in this family, saw this big, solid man break apart and then piece himself back together.And more than that, you had to witness the true price you pay when you love someone with your whole heart and soul. And subconsciously, you decided that romantic love wasn’t going to be for you because it had the potential to hurt too much, and you had been hurt enough.
“I know who you’ve been involved with over the years, and they were all men that you have never had a hope in hell of falling for, so living that was way easier for you. It was less messy. You got to hold all the cards, and you knew you were never going to play your hand. It was never going to be that way with Eli. You tried to shove him into a box that you knew well, but Eli has always been someone you could fall for. And I mean really fall for. Which you did. And I cannot believe you went on a date with that fucker of a man just to pretend that you didn’t.”
“In my defence, I thought Eli was dating Steffy, and Becky really wanted me to date that man. I couldn’t tell her why I couldn’t. I hadn’t admitted to myself how I felt when she suggested it, and by the time he asked, I was pretty sure Eli was on the love train with Steffy. I needed something to get me to stop thinking about him.”
“That defence would not hold up in court and you know it,” Clara said, forcing a laugh out of me. “You really thought he was dating Steffy?”
“We have seen them at Vivi’s together!”
“Do you and Eli not talk? Even I knew she was around so much because she was planning a Christmas party menu,” Rachel said.
“To be honest, we’ve hardly seen each other this month. So, we haven’t been talking much.”
“Would he not have had to tell you if he was dating?” Rachel asked.
I shook my head. “No, we could date. It was just if it became something more that we would have to talk about it.”
“You are incredibly stupid. I mean, you both are a little bit, but I bet he only went along with it becauseyousaid dating would probably be good for him,” Rachel said as she broke off another piece of cake.
I took great interest in the cake, studying it like I would study for an exam.
“Un-fucking-believable,” she muttered around her mouthful.
“He’s the person I would look for first in a room,” I said quietly after nearly five minutes had passed of just eating cake. Both Clara and Rachel turned to me with matching looks of confusion.
“It’s a thing we do. Random questions. It started when we were in different cities, and we kept it up. He asked me once if I were in a room full of everyone I knew, who would I look for first. My answer ended up being him. I think I’ve known since then.”
“You think?Everyoneyou know, and your answer was him,” Rachel said, disbelief clear in her voice.
“Fine. I’ve known since then. But acknowledging what that means is…terrifying.”
Another long silence saw the rest of the cake disappear.
“Who would you choose?” I asked Rachel eventually.
“Everyone I know? I’m looking to see if Mum showed up,” she answered. We both looked at Clara. She shrugged.
“I’m looking for Jesse for the same reasons you would look for Eli. I love him, and shit is more fun with him by my side.” She paused for a moment, her lips pursed. “He had a panic attack. Jesse took him home,” she said slowly.
“Is he—” I started, feeling sick that he had a panic attack on his own.
“I’m not going to say he’s okay, but I managed to get him to calm down,” Clara filled in the gaps of my unaskedquestion.
“Was it bad?” My voice was tight.
