Page 17 of Nothing to Lose: Lost Trilogy: Part 1
“What happened with the baby?”
“Jon took me away from there,” she starts. “He brought me to Montana. I fell in love with this place from the second I stepped foot in it.” She looks around, her eyes shining brighter than I’ve ever seen them.
I am holding my breath, waiting for her to continue.
“Unfortunately, my parents were not the only people I needed to watch out for,” she informs me in a shaky voice. “Jon had some bad blood with someone in Texas. They tricked him, and, while he was out there, they came here, found me alone… Long story short, I miscarried.”
“Mom,” I touch her shoulder in a sign of spontaneous affection. “I am so sorry,” I whisper, not even realizing that I’m crying.
My mother turns to look at me, her face an expression of pure happiness.
“Don’t be sorry, my girl. After all, had that not happened, I would’ve never had you.”
I shake my head in confusion. “What?”
“I didn’t want to have anything to do with Jon, or any other man for that matter,” she explains. “But after a few years, I realized that I did want to have a baby. It took some convincing for Jon to sleep with me. I guilted him into it. He was in love with another woman, but I knew they weren’t together anymore, so…”
I am just staring at her, unable to form words. While I always knew my parents did not love each other in the traditional sense, I never realized that their physical relationship had been contained to just…
“That’s the only time you slept with him?” I squeak out in shock, then slap a hand over my mouth.
“Yes,” she confirms. “And I’m not sorry. I never was the woman for him, and he never was the man for me. I knew it, he knew it, the rest is just water under the bridge.”
“I…” I don’t know what to say.
“I need you to know one thing for certain,” mom takes both my hands in hers and brings them to her chest, forcing me to move closer to her. “We both love you very much. He just likes to show it more than I do,” she teases.
“Mom,” and now I am crying in earnest. “I love you, too. Please know that.”
“I do, Emily,” she murmurs. “I’ve always known.”
I can’t take it anymore, so I pull my hands away from her, then throw my arms around her thin shoulders. I am almost scared of hugging her too tight, she feels so breakable.
“I need to tell you something else, Emily,” she pats me on the back gently. She’s always called me by my full name, never shortening anything. Now I find it somehow endearing after years of not understanding it.
“What is it?” I finally pull back to ask.
“I am a lot sicker than what you probably realize…”
6
Emily
I leave my parents’house feeling like I am in a daze. I’m not crying, but I am in shock. All the information my mother threw at me in one swoop like that is crashing down on me the second I am alone in my car.
I always wondered why my parents never had more children, before or after me. Before me, they’d been married for a long time. Now it’s obvious that the trauma of losing a baby she had made with the love of her life was something my mother never recovered from.
But in the end, she did want another baby in spite of not really wanting to have a relationship of a sexual nature with my father. I shiver at the thought. It’s almost as if she made this huge sacrifice to have a baby she planned and wanted.
Tears well up in my eyes, blinding me for a second. I wonder if I should just sit here and wait for my father to get home, or maybe I should call him.
In the end, I decide to go see Steve. He told me he’d be working late, so I’m sure to find him at the office.
The drive there is uneventful in the sense that there’s hardly any traffic, and the ride is easy. But my head is such a complete mess, I almost want to pull over, and just sit there.
When I get to Steve’s office, I see his car parked out front and smile. Poor guy, he’s been working insane hours, that seems to be the norm in his line of work. A second car catches my attention, and I wonder if he is actually meeting with a client. I would hate to barge in if he is.
In a moment of clarity, I grab my cell phone and dial his number.
