Page 25 of Lose to Win: Lost Trilogy: Part 3
“You think you do, Puck,” she sniffles. “But you have no idea. And while under different circumstances, I would have been so happy for you to whisk me away to Las Vegas to get married, I… I just can’t do it.”
I continue staring at the wall. I have nothing to say to her. I will still marry her, for her own safety. I just don’t want to talk to her.
“I need to go back, Puck.” She puts a gentle hand on my arm, but I yank it away. I can’t stand her touching me right now.
“Why?” It’s a valid question, I think.
“Steve is expecting me at the house,” she whispers. “He will be very upset if I don’t show up.”
Her statement is all sorts of fucked up. It makes me want to rip all these fancy seats off the floor and throw them against the walls. Chances of me doing that killing us are pretty high. Maybe it would send the plane into some weird spiral that would cause us to crash, like in a cartoon.
“Why should you give a fuck whether Steve will be upset or not?” I turn my head to stare at her. “I don’t give a fuck if he is dead or alive right now.”
“Him turning out dead is the best news I could get right about now,” she tries to make a joke, but neither one of us is laughing.
“That can be arranged.”
“That would only make things worse,” she starts crying again. “I am in so much trouble, Puck.”
I decide that whatever she has to tell me, I can deal with it. I love this woman, and I know she loves me. I can’t just turn any of it off.
“What kind of trouble are you in, Em?”
“It’s about the baby,” she whispers, making my heart race in my chest.
“What about the baby?”
“It’s Steve’s.”
I was wrong.
I can’t deal.
8
Puck
My dearest Lucas,
They put me on some new medication today. And they also told me that I should keep a journal. Unfortunately, there is nothing in my life that I’d like to be documented in a journal. Sad, right?
However, I enjoyed writing you a letter the other day. I found it cathartic. I know that you will read it one day and find it cruel. A reminder of all the love you did not receive as a baby, toddler or older child. Sometimes, reality is that we are not all loved. Not like we’d like to be.
I remember the day when I found out I was pregnant with you. I felt… nothing. I was not happy, I was not sad. Kenny on the other hand, he was ecstatic. I knew the child was most likely Blake’s, and I thought about terminating the pregnancy. In fact, you survived against all odds. I did not take good care of myself while pregnant. At some point I wondered what I’d do with you if you were not born healthy.
But also, somewhere deep down, I hoped you’d come out okay. That Kenny would love me more for giving you to him…
* * *
The noise in my head as I stare at the woman I am so in love with is unbearable right now. If we weren’t on this plane, I’d take off and go on a bender.
“I’m sorry, Puck.”
She is crying her heart out. Her shoulders lift and fall with her sobs, ripping my own heart out as well. It is hard to believe that only minutes ago my life was perfect. The final piece of the puzzle had finally fallen into place, and I was ready to rip all the benefits of what a good life actually is.
Emily took it all away from me in seconds. I am looking at her, refusing to believe what she just told me.
“No.” That’s all I am capable of saying, and my mind is made up.
