Page 151 of Until We Burn
The memory of her begging Simon to spare Kai flashes in my head. The question lingering on my mind tugs at my tongue.
“Why are you with Simon?”
Andrea stops. She staunchly avoids my gaze. “We’re in love.”
“He treats you horribly,” I point out.
“He just has bad days,” she snaps. “But we’re happy, okay? My friends and my family like him, so your opinion doesn’t matter.”
I slam the agenda shut. There’s been very little opportunity I’ve had to talk to Andrea for longer than an eye roll and a snippy response that I can’t stop the next question from barreling out of me.
“Is this how it’s always going to be between us? You’ll hold a grudge against me until we graduate?”
Andrea scoffs, crossing her arms.
“Why does it matter to you?” she sneers. “You have the entire world at your hands.”
I roll my eyes. “From what I understand, you had it all in first year, too. A spot on the Howler, one of the top grades in class…” I try to talk around the painful ache in my throat. “You were dating the star player on the hockey team.”
“I had to try so hard to get those things,” Andrea seethes. “You, on the other hand, don’t have to lift a finger. You have the name, the connections, the attention, and everything comes so easily to you!”
“Which is why I give other reporters the resources I have because I know I get it easily!”
“I know you do because you doeverythingright! You’re always so organized! Your hair is perfect! Your makeup is perfect! You rarely fuck up!”
“It might seem like I have it all together, but I don’t! I’m exhausted half the time trying to live up to every expectation thrown my way.”
Andrea pales in surprise. “You’re exhausted, too?”
I look away in shame. I hate it when people know I’m struggling. It doesn’t make me feel safe. It always makes me pace and worry that people will think I’m not good enough.
But there’s nothing I can do now. Andrea heard what I said.
I drop back into my chair. The pressure I feel grows even heavier, suffocating me with no relief.
“I know we were raised in different circumstances. But I understand what it’s like to keep performing for people just to keep their validation and respect.”
A shaky breath unhitches from Andrea’s lips. She sags against the wagon handle, drained from a weight I didn’t realize she had been carrying, too. “That’s what it feels like most of the time for me.”
Surprise catches me off guard as I look back at her. I used to compare myself to Andrea. Always wishing I could be pretty like that, all golden and effortless in her beauty. I wanted what she had, not just what she had with Kai, but the quiet unassuming life.
I didn’t realize we were walking on the same tightrope this whole time.
“Is that why you turned your back on Kai after the rumors spread? You felt like you had an image to maintain?”
“I couldn’t handle the way my friends and my family were looking at me, so I…” Andrea gulps. “I broke it off with him and started dating Simon. I thought it’d make things look better. I thought it’d makemelook better.”
I used to wonder what Kai saw in Andrea sometimes. But I understand it now. It’s her ambition. Twisted as it became, Andrea is a fighter who grabs fate by the throat even if it scars her.
“I know Simon is not a good guy,” she admits quietly. “I’ve been trying to find a way to break it off with him. I’m just in the middle ofworking everything out to make sure I’m going to be safe when I finally walk away.”
She sniffles and wipes at her eyes, chuckling bitterly as mascara comes away on her fingers. “It’s so unfair. I do so much to impress everyone else, but at the end of the day, I’m still fucking up and I’m still the one dying inside.”
Andrea’s face falls. She disappears into a place I can’t follow and all I can say is, “I understand.”
But I do. I understand what it’s like to live under the pressure to work harder, achieve more, until you start to rust. At the same time, a part of me rages at the fact that Andrea willingly chose to be with a guy who’s so blatantly racist and entitled.
My shoulders fall, weak and exhausted from battling so many conflicting emotions. “Look, whatever happens, I hope you’re safe when you finally leave Simon.”
