Page 133 of Until We Burn
“Di, the Vipers saw us leaving the club together,” he stammers. “Oh, s-shit. What if they…what if they think?—”
“Half of the people were drunk or they were trying to watch the fight,” I soothe. “Let’s not panic until we know the facts.”
Panic thuds in my heart, but I can’t lose my composure. Not when Kai is fighting his way out of an anxious spiral. My hands flatten against his chest, feeling his heartbeat shudder beneath my fingers.
“What can I do?”
His hands tremble as they rise to grip mine.
“Five things,” he churns out.
“Five things?”
“It…” he gulps, his throat working. “I have to find five sensations…o-or random things that help ground me.”
“Okay.” My thumbs brush back and forth against his cheeks. “Tell me what you notice.”
His eyes slowly move to look behind me. They blink a little too fast, yet the panic ebbs ever so slightly when he focuses his attention. “I notice the…the trees. The leaves. Some of them a-are browning.”
“Yeah?” I whisper. “What else?”
Kai’s attention roves towards the glowing icons on his dashboard, describing the shapes and the colors. Then, he finds three more things. I listen to every little detail until the tense lines on his face smooth over and his heartbeat slows.
My forehead presses against his.
“That’s four,” I coax. “Tell me one more thing.”
Kai’s touch wraps tighter around my hands, and his gaze finds mine in the dark.
“I notice you.”
I smile faintly. Wonder overtakes his face again as he searches the contours of my features, tracing the lines and shapes as if I’ll disappear.
I’ve always daydreamed about being looked at by him. I wondered if my heart would burst out of my chest. If my skin would feel like it was on fire.
But I feel quiet inside. The world simply falls away, leaving the two of us in our own, little orbit.
Our hands interlock on top of the center console.
Kai frowns at me. “I’m sorry about missing the phone call, Di. I wanted to call you. I was just scared you’d hear my voice and know something was wrong and I didn’t want to risk worrying you.”
“I understand, and I’m sorry about accusing you of seeing someone else.” I sink back in shame. “I’m so used to everything going wrong. My brain instantly rushes to solutions and the worst possibilities I don’t…I don’t always know how to enjoy something just as it is.”
The words tumble out, raw and exposed, making me feel so strange inside. I don’t realize just how long I’ve spent surviving. Plotting. Strategizing.
I haven’t truly lived at all. Not in the way I’m supposed to, at least.
“It’s been a long night,” Kai murmurs. “Let’s leave the serious conversations for tomorrow.”
I nod, my shoulders dropping. “Okay.”
Kai smiles. His fingers skim past my cheek before he tucks a stray curl behind my ear.
My heart aches. Out of everything that has fallen apart, what we have is the one thing I can’t imagine ever coming together.
That’s why I can’t fight the fear that vises around my heart when I look at Kai.
What would the world do to us if they ever found out we were together?
