Page 26 of Awakening
I sat up in bed, rubbing a hand over my face. “What’s going on?”
Another pause.
I could hear him breathing, steady but shaky, “It’s... It’s about dad.”
The word dad landed like a brick in my stomach, causing my jaw to tense immediately. Even after all these years, any mention of him still had that effect on me.
I exhaled through my nose, trying to keep my voice level. “What about him?”
“He’s sick, Blue,” James said softly, calling by the nickname everyone back home called me due to my love for the color blue as a child.
“Real sick. The doctors said it’s his heart. He’s in the hospital now and keeps asking for you.”
I couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped my chest. “Asking for me? Now?”
“I know how that sounds.”
“No, you don’t, Jay. You don’t know how that sounds to me.” My voice cracked around the words, the anger mixing with something heavier underneath. “Where’s Michelle? Why isn’t she the one calling me?”
“She... she didn’t want to,” he admitted, like the words physically pained him. “She figured you wouldn’t want to hear from her or him, so she asked me to call.”
I stood up and started pacing my bedroom, running a hand over my hair because suddenly room suddenly felt too small, too full of ghosts I thought I’d left behind.
“Of course she didn’t, God forbid she face the mess she helped create.”
“Mav…” James’ voice wavered. “I’m not calling to defend them. I’m just delivering the message.”
I stopped pacing and closed my eyes, leaning my forehead against the wall. My chest burned with the old familiar rage. Rage I’d been carrying since I was a child, since the man I once called dad started drilling his hate into me the minute he realized his stepson wasn’t the son he wanted, since my mother looked away. At the same time, I was torn apart mentally and emotionally under her roof.
“He hated me, Jay,” I said quietly, my voice hoarse, “You remember what it was like.”
“I do,” James said, his voice filled with empathy, “I remember everything.”
“He called me disgusting, told me I was broken, prayed I would burn for being who I am.” My voice cracked again, “And she just sat and watched.”
The silence on the other end was full of grief.
“I know, Mav,” James said, his voice low and sad, “I sawit. I heard it. I never forgot.”
I swallowed hard, my throat tight and raw. “And now what? Now he wants me to what, come home? Play the good gay son? Sit at his bedside and pretend none of that happened?”
“No,” James said gently, “Nobody’s asking you to pretend. I’m just telling you what he said. He’s been asking for you, that’s all.”
My head continued spinning. Part of me wanted to throw the phone across the room. Part of me wanted to scream. And part of me, God help me, felt something else, something I didn’t want to name.
“Is he dying?” I finally asked, voice low.
“They don’t know yet, but it’s serious. I’ll know more in the coming days, and if you want to know, I’ll keep you posted.”
I let out a shaky breath, my body vibrating with emotion I didn’t know what to do with. “Why now?” I whispered.
James was quiet for a moment. “Maybe he’s scared, maybe he knows what he did, even if he never said it out loud.”
“I don’t need his deathbed guilt, Jay. Assuaging his guilt doesn’t fix what he took from me. Love, he took love from me, and I had to go out in the world and find it elsewhere. Do you know how dangerous that could have been for a young bisexual black boy?”
“BI?” Jay asked his voice full of surprise, “When did you start swimming in the pussy pond, big bro?” He continued to probe, causing me to laugh out loud.
“I have a woman, but later for that,” I said, steering the conversation back to the topic at hand.
