Page 5 of Awakening
“Don’t call him that, James, he’s our son and he deserves our love and respect no matter who he loves,” my mother rebutted softly but with conviction in her voice.
“The truth hurts, Michelle, but I’m going to tell it anyway. Maybe it’s time you reach out to his REAL father and allow him to be a part of his life, hell, he’s been begging us for years, but you refused because his family made him choose between you or his trust fund, and he chose the money,” James spat the poison in his tone never wavering.
My mind was completely blown at this point. I had a father who wanted to know me and love me, but she prevented it because her pride and ego were bruised by rejection. Everything in me wanted to head upstairs and tell them I’d heard everything they just said, but I knew I needed help as I was heading off to college, so I swallowed my pride and pretended it was life asusual, but every second of every day until I left this hellhole, my heart would break.
Standing in the narrow hallway of the house that never really felt like a home. I’d always felt like a visitor within these walls, and through all the emotions I’d felt over the weeks leading up to my departure, relief was the final feeling. I was relieved to know my thoughts weren’t in vain; I knew I was the outlier in this family; I was made to feel unlovable and unworthy of a parent’s love. My hands clenched at my sides, jaw tight, duffel bag and the rest of my belongings already packed in the car. School was starting in two weeks, but move-in for athletes was tomorrow.
I hadn’t planned to say anything. I was going to ghost them, just as they had ghosted the truth, silence being the final message.
But the small boy who only wanted his parents’ love wanted answers and dignity, and wouldn’t let it go.
My mother was in the kitchen, washing dishes like it was just another Thursday morning. James sat at the table nursing a cup of coffee and reading the sports section, pretending he didn’t see my glare burning into his skull.
“I heard you,” I said finally, my tone harsh and cutting.
My mother froze, a plate slipping from her hand and clattering into the sink, causing water to splash against the counter.
James didn’t look up but managed to respond, “What the hell are you talking about now?”
“I heard you two arguing that day,” I said, stepping further into the room. “The night you said I wasn’t yours. That he—” Ipointed at James “—wasn’t my real father. That you kept it from me. That my real father had tried relentlessly to be there over the years.”
My mother turned, her eyes wide and already shining with tears, “Maverick, baby—”
“Don’t,” I raised my hand, as my voice cracked, “Don’t baby me. You lied to me for eighteen years. You let him treat me like I was a burden, like I wasn’t good enough, and you never said a word to stop him.”
“I was trying to protect you,” she said softly.
“From what? Unconditional Love? Acceptance? The truth?” My voice elevated several decibels, fury seeping through my pain. “You let me believe I was the problem. That something was wrong with me. I thought I had to earn love I was never gonna get from him, and you watched, trading my wellbeing for life as a kept woman.”
James finally lowered the paper, smug and unbothered. “You still think someone else would've been proud to have a son like you?”
My laugh came out bitter and short.
“No. I think someone else would've at least tried to love me without conditions. Without shame. Without acting like I was a stain on their reputation.”
My mother stepped forward, reaching out, “I have never not loved you. I accept you, and I will always love you.”
“You loved me as long as I stayed quiet. Loved me for taking the mistreatment from him because then it wouldn’t have to be you on the receiving end.”
I turned to face James, fear evident in his eyes because I’d finally found my voice. “And you, you drunk, belligerent piece of shit, you knew I wasn’t yours and still made me feel like shit every day for not turning into the man you thought I should be.You wanted me to be like you—a pussy hound who cheated on his wife and purchased her silence. You were never my father, at least not in any way that mattered.”
James stood now, towering and full of spite. “You think running off to college makes you better than me? You think you're gonna find some magical world that accepts your confused little ass?”
I didn’t flinch. I just stared him down.
“No,” I said calmly, “But I know I’m never coming back here. Not for the holidays. Not for visits. Not for emergencies. This chapter ends the second I pull out of this driveway.”
My mother sobbed, finally crossing the threshold into panic. “Please, Maverick, don’t leave like this. Please don’t shut me out. I was scared. I didn’t know how to raise you the way you needed. But I tried. I swear I tried.”
“You had eighteen years to try. You chose silence and lies,” my voice filled with disdain, “And now, I’m choosing myself.”
I walked to the door, pausing just long enough to glance over my shoulder.
“I’m not broken,” I said, “I’m just not yours to mistreat anymore.”
With that, I left, the screen door slamming shut behind me, never looking back.
I’d made the drive alone, taking fourteen hours, only stopping to get gas, food, and shut my eyes and rest in the gas station parking lot. Finally pulling onto the campus, I knew this was my opportunity to be me out loud. I would never shrink or hidemyself again.
