Page 87 of My Heart's Doctor
“Because I can’t have children. I will never be able to give you the family that you and Aurora deserve. You see, I’m not the woman with whom you can plan a future. I’m just the woman you can make your first proposal to, a woman for an adventure, nothing more. I’ve already been abandoned for that reason and I don’t want to go through that again. It’s better to stop this before it’s too late. I’m sorry, William,” she said, and her voice broke with a sob she tried to suppress, but couldn’t. “I hope you’ll be happy because you deserve it, just as Aurora deserves a big family.”
She stood up and dressed quickly while I watched her, not knowing what to say. I was so astonished by her confession that I wasn’t clear about what I was feeling nor did I know what to tellher. I saw her leave the bedroom, but I couldn’t even get up from the bed.
Chapter 16
“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”
—Henry Ford
Devon
After they left, I felt lonely and sad, and worst of all, I felt hopeless. The fact that William had proposed getting back together made my heart beat with irrational joy. I could no longer deny that he was becoming an important person in my life, but I didn’t want my well-being to depend on him—I couldn’t allow it. He had everything to make me happy, but I didn’t have what it took to make him happy. That’s why I was also distressed; I was aware that I couldn’t aspire to a future with him. I couldn’t condemn him to be with a woman who couldn’t give him children. What kind of future can you have with someone like me? Someone with whom you can’t hope to have a family. Lino had told me that I had ruined his life and made him waste his time. I didn’t want to do the same to William and Aurora. He deserved more children, and Aurora deserved to share her life with siblings.
My mother’s call pulled me from my thoughts. I hesitated to answer because it was always to reproach me about something or make me feel like crap, but, as always, I ended up answering.
“Mom.”
“I could have died and you wouldn’t even know because you can’t be bothered to call me,” she reproached me with her authoritative voice, but it didn’t surprise me at all because ourconversations always started like this. I had learned to live with her constant reproaches in which she always blamed me for everything, even for her own mistakes and my sister’s.
“Are you sick?” I asked, knowing it was just victimization.
“Oh, for God’s sake! Don’t even mention it,” she said, and I imagined her crossing herself. “Of course I’m not, but no thanks to you who doesn’t even care about my health.”
“I’ve been very busy with work and I didn’t want to bother you during the hours when I could call,” I stated, though that wasn’t true. I didn’t mind lying to her.
“That job, don’t even get me started because I don’t know why you studied that. You can’t have children and you spend your time with little kids who remind you daily that you’ll never be able to have one of your own,” she said, returning to the same old topic.
“Mom, did you have anything else to tell me? Because I was just leaving the house.”
“Just that your sister has a boyfriend and they’ll probably set a date any moment now,” she informed me, and I could hear the happiness it gave her to say it.
“I’m very happy for her. Tell her congratulations and that I’m glad she’s happy.”
“At least one of my daughters will manage to be married and form a family. That’s all a mother wants. Because if I wait for you...”
“Then I’m happy for you too. Goodbye, Mom, I have to go.”
I hung up hearing her saying something, but I didn’t even understand what it was nor did I care. Let them be happy and leave me in peace. My mother’s call couldn’t have been more timely. Just when I was thinking about William and my limitations for forming a family, she called to remind me of it. I sighed, tired. I needed to go out for some fresh air anddistraction. The phone rang again and I fully intended to turn it off thinking it was my mother again, but it was Orson.
“Hello, handsome. How are you?” I greeted him when I answered.
“Wanting to see my friend. How about we have lunch together? Come with the little one and we’ll entertain her between the two of us,” he proposed.
“Aurora isn’t with me anymore, her father picked her up a while ago.”
“Aaah, so you met with Cavaller today,” he said, then paused and added, “Well, better, that way we have the whole day to ourselves because I’m not working today. Shall I pick you up in an hour?”
“That’s fine. Thank you, Orson.”
“I know you, beautiful, and I’m sure you’re feeling a bit down. Is it because the little one left?”
“Partly. I have several things to tell you and I also need advice.”
“I’m on my way there now.”
“See you soon.”
A while later we were sitting in an Italian restaurant we had been to several times because the food was exquisite and the service impeccable. After deciding on our dishes and placing our order, the time came to face my friend’s inevitable questions.
