Page 93 of My Heart's Doctor
“‘Sweet,’ we need to talk about us.”
I didn’t know what he was going to propose, but I didn’t want to talk about being in a relationship. I couldn’t have that type of relationship with him, or with anyone. We could never be together that way; my rational side knew it, although when I was with him, my logic had great difficulty prevailing over my feelings. I made a great effort to focus. Sadness invaded me and I lowered my head.
“Why did you propose we become a couple?”
“Because I want to share with you everything that couples do and see where it leads us.”
See where it leads us? With me it wouldn’t lead anywhere because I couldn’t give him the family he aspired to have. My heart sank in my chest.
“What do you mean?” I asked, to be sure that he was suggesting what I thought.
“I mean a relationship that grows and that perhaps gives us hope for...”
“No, William,” I interrupted him. I couldn’t let him continue with that, so I got out of bed to get my clothes and dress quickly.
“What’s happening, ‘Sweet’? What do you mean when you sayno?” he asked, coming after me and looking at me with afurrowed brow of concern. Before reaching my side, he put on his underwear, and I assumed he did so because he saw me doing the same.
“I told you that I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want a relationship that would later lead to thinking about marriage with everything that implies. I don’t aspire to or want to get married again. It seems right that you want to form a family because you and Aurora deserve it, but I can’t offer you that. It’s better if I leave,” I said, heading toward the bathroom to dress without his look of astonishment upon me, but he caught up to me before I could enter.
“Why?”
“Because I can’t,” I responded, making a great effort to hold back tears.
“You can’t or you don’t want to? Don’t you feel anything for me?” he asked, confusing me even more.
It was clear that I couldn’t leave without giving him an explanation. I had to tell him the truth; I had no reason to lie to him. Besides, I was sure it was the only way for him to understand that it was the right decision.
“Tell me what’s happening. Why don’t you want to be with me?” he insisted.
“I didn’t say that. I suppose when you saysee what happensyou’re referring to a future together.”
“I’m referring to a future where we can form a family with Aurora and the children that we have together.”
What he was proposing was what I wanted most, but unfortunately it wouldn’t be possible. The sadness was so great that all my efforts not to cry were fruitless, and tears began to silently run down my cheeks.
“What’s wrong, Devon? Why are you getting like this?” he asked, his face marked with concern, while with extreme gentleness he wiped my tears with his fingers.
My legs weren't going to support me much longer, so I went to the bed and sat down, using my clothes to cover my body because at that moment nudity felt uncomfortable and made me feel even more vulnerable. William sat beside me, looking at me with concern and... fear? I don't know, but I can swear he seemed scared.
“And that's what you deserve, but I can't offer you what you want. I will never be able to give you what you dream of.”
“Are you talking about feelings? Do you think you can't love or that you can't love me?”
“No, to all your questions,” I stated, looking at him with sadness. “Nobody has control over that emotion; even if I tried, I know I can't manage it. We were naive when we established theno falling in loverule. As if we had powers to prevent it—nobody escapes that feeling, no matter how much willpower they have. It's beyond our understanding and judgment.” I sighed wearily. “Although I really enjoy being with you and, right now, there's nothing I want more, I can't be selfish. I have to be honest with you. I can't give you the family you desire, and the right thing is to spare us greater suffering.”
“I still don't understand. Why can't you?”
“Because I can't have children. I will never be able to give you the family that you and Aurora deserve. You see, I'm not the woman with whom you can plan a future. I'm just the woman for your first proposal, a woman for an adventure, nothing more. I've already been abandoned for that reason, and I don't want to go through that again. It's better to stop this before it's too late. I'm sorry, William. I hope you'll be happy because you deserve it, just as Aurora deserves a big family,” I said, with a brokenvoice, and without giving him time for anything, I stood up, got dressed quickly, and left the bedroom with a shattered heart, remembering William's lost gaze.
It was the farewell to my two loves, William and Aurora. I no longer denied it—I loved William like I had never loved before, and I cared for Aurora with all my heart. I didn't know what a mother feels for her child because I hadn't had and would never have the chance to experience it, but what I felt for that little girl must be pretty close because I would give my life for her.
I reached my car, collapsed into the driver's seat and, without strength, started it and drove away. I was sinking deeper and deeper into a chilling anguish. I passed through the gates of that house feeling like hopelessness was strangling me. In that moment when I was alone again, I could give free rein to my tears. I felt helpless. I drove several blocks until tears prevented me from continuing. I parked, rested my head on the steering wheel, and cried bitterly. I don't know how long I stayed like that. When I realized I needed to continue on my way, I couldn't do it. I had no strength left. I didn't like bothering anyone, and asking for help was my Achilles' heel, but I had reached my limit—I was exhausted from battling alone. I took my phone to call Orson because I knew Sylvia was working the night shift that day. My friend answered immediately.
“Hello, beautiful. Can't sleep?”
I couldn't answer. I felt a huge knot in my throat that prevented me from speaking and was choking me.
“Devon? What's happening? Where are you?”
