Page 59 of Holiday Star
Caleb brings that light-hearted side out in me. That’s what Jenny is talking about. The changes that she’s describing are all from him. He makes me feel free. Like the burden of the hospital and the misery I see there isn’t quite as heavy. Like I’m not betraying my dad’s memory by being happy again. Like there’s a future where I can take risks. A future where I won’t fall because he’ll catch me.
Jenny says, “You’ve got it bad, don’t you?”
“I love him,” I tell her, stating it like the simple truth it is.
I expect her to hug me or congratulate me, but instead her smile dims. “Love?” she repeats as if the word is foreign to her. “Gwen. You aren’t supposed to love him.”
“What do you mean?” I’m puzzled.
“Caleb’s supposed to be a fling. A rebound from Jax.”
“What? You were the one who told me to pursue him. You kept encouraging me, remember?” My head swims, baffled that we could be so out of sync.
“I encouraged you, that’s true. I wanted you to have some fun. You know, get laid and then move on.”
“Caleb is more to me than that.”
She shakes her head like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. “You’ve known him for a month, Gwen.A month. What would you say if I came to you and said I was in love with a guy after one month? You’re the one who always complains about that in romance books. Insta-love. Where the characters fall madly in love at first sight. You say how unrealistic it is, but now you’re telling me that you love Caleb? It makes no sense.”
I flinch. It does sound insane when she says it out loud. I hate to admit it, but the truth is that if she told me she loved someone after such a short time, I would try to talk her out of it.
But this is Caleb and me. I have no doubts about my feelings for him. Since our blowup over his notebook, we’ve been growing closer, talking nonstop, holding nothing back. Every day I’ve learned more about him, seen how his past has shaped him. Heard what he wants for the future. In return I have let him see me, even the parts I’m ashamed of.
“It’s been quick, that’s for sure, but I’ve never felt so much like myself as I do when I’m with him.” I say it with certainty, trying to reassure her, and maybe myself as well.
“Oh, yeah? You think you know him? Then tell me, what’s his middle name? What’s his favorite color? Where was he born?” Jenny challenges.
My confidence takes a step and falters. I don’t have the answers to her questions.
She lets my silence hang there, ominous, before she says, “His middle name is Augustus. His favorite color is blue, and he’s from Illinois. Don’t you think it’s a problem that I know more about the man you’re supposedly in love with than you do?”
Outwardly I scoff, but inside I’m unsettled. Jenny’s blow landed exactly where she intended. “Those are trivial details you read in a magazine,” I argue. “Memorizing random facts doesn’t mean that you know Caleb, not like I do.”
Jenny softens. “It’s not that I don’t believe you have real feelings for each other. That’s not what I’m saying. If you had more time together, you would eventually learn those things. My worry is that everything has been so fast. What if you put all your trust in Caleb and end up disappointed? I saw you do that with Jax. It was awful when you two broke up. I can’teversee you miserable like that again.” The line between her brows deepens. “What does Caleb say? Has he said that he loves you back?”
Uncertainty lodges deep in my bones, weakening me. “Well, no, but I haven’t mentioned it to him yet, either.”
Hehasto love me, right? The other night I woke up to find him staring at me. I swear I saw it then, love sparkling in his eyes.
“Christmas is in two days. Then you go back to New York.” There’s something like pity in her tone. “What’re you going to do?”
It hurts to even imagine a life where I don’t live under the same roof as Caleb. Where he’s not the first and last thing I see every day.
“Caleb has some loose ends to tie up in L.A., then he’ll fly out to visit me. We’ll talk on the phone, of course, until we’re together again.”
A worried side glance from Jenny unsettles me. I want, need her to believe that what Caleb and I have is real. “I know it sounds crazy, but it’s like that puzzle you saw on my kitchen table. I’m telling you. Caleb’s it. He’s my missing piece.”
34
Aplate of frosted sugar cookies that Caleb made rests high on the kitchen counter, well out of Pip’s reach, but she can smell them and the scent has her tongue lolling. Mugs of steaming hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows sit next to the cookies, cooling, so we can drink them without scalding our mouths. We’ve set the TV to a channel that shows a red brick fireplace with a yule log burning on an endless loop.
It’s Christmas Eve. Caleb and I are in the kitchen, at the table with our chairs pulled close together, our elbows touching. He rests his chin in his hand, surveying the puzzle spread out before us. Only five pieces remain. I’m momentarily distracted by Caleb’s white-socked foot, which strokes my leg under the table.
One by one, the puzzle pieces go in. Caleb holds the last one out to me, his eyes bright. “You do it, Gwen. Finish it.” When it slides easily into place, we sigh and smile at each other. There’s a sense of accomplishment in looking at the completed puzzle. Dolphins, sharks, and turtles sway next to billowing tendrils of kelp. Colorful fish dart and peek around rough coral. A starfish lies on the pebbled sandy ocean floor.
“I can’t believe it’s done,” I say with wonder.
We’re silent for a minute, both staring at the puzzle. Then Caleb bounces his knee, jittery with excitement he can no longer suppress. “Let’s open our presents now. Please?” he begs, eager like a little kid.
