Page 82 of Holiday Star
He interrupts my thoughts. “The main reason I visited your mom was because I had some questions.”
“Questions?”
Caleb searches my face intently. “Questions about you. About what to do. How to win you back.”
I’m too stunned to respond. What is he talking about? Win me back?
“Of course, your mom didn’t make it easy on me. Took a couple of days before she would see me, let alone talk to me. Took even longer to convince her that I was still crazy about you.”
His hand settles against the back of mine, sitting on the armrest. Electricity bursts across my skin where he touches it, waking up an entire flock of butterflies in my stomach.
“Eventually, I got your mom to see my point of view,” he says softly, never taking his eyes off me. “That’s when she lent me the guitar.”
I inspect the guitar more closely and notice that someone has replaced its discolored patches and worn-out frets. It looks as shiny and new as it did when my dad first bought it. Questioningly, I lift my gaze to Caleb.
He understands instantly. “I know a guy who does guitar restoration. Hope you don’t mind that I had it worked on. Your mom said it was okay.”
It touches me that he took the time to get my dad’s guitar fixed. To return it to its original glory. In a daze, I let him flip my hand over, palm up, so he can link his fingers with mine.
I blink, trying to piece the timeline together. How long has he been out of rehab? When did he go to Japan? Why didn’t my mother mention his visit to me? “I’m so confused. How did this happen? Alvina told me that there was going to be a performance of the musical tonight.”
“The show doesn’t start for another four months. We’re just doing rehearsals now.”
I frown, unable to fit these puzzle pieces together. “But Alvina?”
Caleb clears his throat, a rare blush on his cheeks. “Yeah, about that…I got your messages on my phone.”
I gasp, and the blush jumps from his face to mine. “You never answered. I didn’t think you’d ever hear them.”
“For a while, I couldn’t access my phone.” His gaze grows distant, looking over my shoulder. I know he means when he was in rehab, but he doesn’t use that word. A deliberate choice.
He refocuses on my face. “Once my phone was returned, your messages were there, waiting for me. You can’t understand what a gift that was. I had thought about you every day. Wondered how you were, what you were doing. I listened to those recordings, and it was like magic, your voice leading me back into your world. When I got to New York, I reached out to Alvina. You had talked about her and where she worked, so I knew how to contact her.”
He lets out a sharp whistle. “I’ll tell you she was even harder on me than your mom. You should have heard the tongue lashing she gave me. I considered going to the hospital or your apartment, but I worried it would be too much too soon. I needed her to bring you here, to me.” Bashful now, he ducks his head. “Don’t be mad at her for tricking you, though. It was my idea.”
Caleb takes a forceful breath, dragging the air from deep inside and blowing it out in a quick burst. He straightens his shoulders and leans over the armrest, his face earnest.
“I’msosorry, Gwen. So, so sorry. I messed everything up. You were the only good pure thing I’d found in a really long time, and I didn’t want you to be changed by all the craziness that surrounds me. I felt this insane need to protect you, shelter you the way no one ever sheltered me, even when I was a kid. I was trying to keep you safe, but I ended up being the person to hurt you.”
A shuddering breath and then he continues. “It was arrogant of me to take that choice away from you. You’d already proven you can handle the hard stuff, that you’re not scared. Remember? I told you that after Jax grabbed you outside of Shooter’s? I said that, and then I forgot it at the most crucial time. Clearly, I’m an idiot, but if you give me a second chance, I swear I won’t make that mistake again. I promise.”
I can’t believe it. Here he is, saying exactly what I’ve wanted to hear for so long. I thought I’d be jumping into his arms by now, but I’m not. The weight of my pain, all my sadness from the past couple of months hangs between us, a curtain that’s too heavy to part.
I think about that panic attack in the doctor’s lounge and how it terrified me. Gasping for breath, I felt like I wasdying. I can’t go through that again.
I think about how I let Jax pick me and then throw me away. I let him dictate the path of my life, like I had no control over it. Like he was the river, and I was a leaf floating in his current, powerless to chart my own course.
But that’s not true. I have choices. I can choose to put myself first for once.
I’ve been trying so hard to shed my old persona, predictable, dependable.But I’m learning that there is some worth to being predictable and dependable. Those qualities aren’t all I want to be, but some of them in moderation are actually good. They make me feel safe, and not only do I need them in myself but also in my partner.
Caleb sure as hell hasn’t been dependable or predictable. He’s the opposite of that. At first it thrilled me, the chaotic energy of his lifestyle, but now I see that maybe he’s not a great match for me, not if he can’t make me feel secure.
I get to choose. I control who I’m with and how they make me feel. I hold the power to my own happiness.
I hesitate, trying to find the right words. The ones that will organize all my random thoughts and force them into an orderly line. “I don’t know, Caleb. It’s been a rough few months. I was in so deep with you that when you walked away, it was really painful. I grieved for you, almost like grieving for my dad again and for my broken engagement. It brought up a lot of that old sorrow, which isn’t fair to you. I get that. You aren’t responsible for Dad dying or for Jax abandoning me, but I think it made me extra sensitive to the rejection of your leaving.”
Pausing, I draw in a breath. “I’ve been working hard to rebuild my life. I’m not sure I can risk it, getting hurt and having everything fall apart. What if a few months from now you change your mind? You promised you’d never give up on us, but then you did. It could happen again.”
