Page 35 of Holiday Star
“I doubt anything Caleb hears about you is going to change the way he feels.” Jenny laughs softly. “Seeing how he can’t stay more than an arm’s length away from you today.” She smiles at me gently. “I’m telling you. I’msureof it. He’s into you.”
She steps forward, placing her hands on my shoulders, which she squeezes and gives a little shake, as if she’s trying to wake me up. “I think you like him, too. The question is, are you brave enough to do anything about it? You leave for New York in less than three weeks. Tick tock, Gwen. Time’s running out.” She taps her watch for emphasis as Caleb enters the room, rubbing a towel over his damp hair.
“Hey, Caleb. Any chance you want to go to Shooter’s with us tonight?” Jenny asks brightly.
Caleb halts, mid rub of his towel. His eyes glance cautiously between Jenny and me, then linger on me. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” He runs a hand through his hair, separating the damp strands.
Just like that, any hope that Caleb likes me in a romantic way comes crashing down. Guess Jenny is wrong. If he really likes me, wouldn’t he stop me from spending time with Jax? Demand I stay home? Or wouldn’t he want to be at Shooter’s to claim me?
“It’s okay,” I tell Caleb. “You don’t have to come. You’d be bored anyway, surrounded by a bunch of people you don’t know. We’ll be fine on our own.”
With that, Jenny grins at me. “Did I just hear you say you’re coming with me tonight?”
“I guess I am.”
20
Jax isn’t at the bar when we first arrive, which is a relief. I wonder if this will be my lucky night. Maybe all this buildup has been for nothing, and I can avoid him for one more year. Jenny and I join several old friends sitting at tables along the back wall. They share their pitcher of frothy amber beer, sloshing it into my cup, while we catch up with each other.
The room is dark, mostly illuminated by neon beer signs that hang on every wood-paneled wall. In honor of the holiday, Christmas lights have been added. They’ve been strung across the ceiling and surround the bar, twinkling merrily.
The lacquered wooden table where we sit is scarred with hundreds of tiny scratches across its surface. It’s a tradition to carve your name and the date when you have your first drink into these tables. Somewhere are my initials and Jenny’s. I had felt like such a criminal, using a ballpoint pen to scratch my G. Running over and over the letter, until it was deep enough.
The graffiti isn’t limited to first drinks, though. Lovers have etched their names into the tabletops too. T loves L forever 2022 is written under my glass. I trace another with my fingertip. A + M ’09. Jax and my initials are on a different table, one that I make sure never to sit at.
Along the opposite wall is the bar, with swiveling stools all occupied by either hardened alcoholics or former alumni from my high school. A picture of our mascot, a wolf, is painted over the bar.
In the center of the room is a small dance floor with a tacky silver disco ball spinning overhead. It’s empty for now, but as the night wears on and more alcohol is consumed, sweaty bodies will wander into the space to press close together, moving to the beat.
I’m having a great time. Beer and easy conversation loosen the tension in my limbs as I move from one set of friends to another. Last time I saw Jenny she was talking to Sarah, her friend who used to be on the cheer team. Now, I’ve lost sight of her, but I’m not worried. We have a pact to never leave a place without telling each other.
The door swings open, and the jocks enter. A large group of them. Some of Jax’s old teammates are there. In the middle of the crowd, Sophie’s red hair flashes like a beacon. No sign of Jax, though. Is it possible they broke up? Their crew takes a table across the room. They must have pre-partied. Already some of them sway on their feet, clearly drunk.
I shouldn’t care. There’s no reason to stare at them. Their loudness, brashness, the way they take up space and act entitled to every inch of it, makes me feel insecure. Reduced to that shy Nerd Girl I was all those years ago. In my regular life, I’m not that person anymore. But here, she whispers,You’re not good enough. You never will be.
That’s when I see it. The flash of a diamond ring on Sophie’s left hand. A rock so huge that its sparkle reaches all the way over to me. My gaze snags on that ring, my stomach sinking at the sight of it.
I can’t believe it.
They’re engaged.
“Jax!” their group shouts. There he is, in the doorway, his hand raised in greeting. That same megawatt smile, the one he used to give me, now shining on their table. Same puppy dog eyes and curly brown hair.
It all comes back to me then. The day we broke up.
“You know this has been coming for a long time,” he’d said, standing in the parking lot outside of the apartment we shared. An apartment he would never step foot in again.
But I hadn’t known. I was so stupid to be blindsided like that. How could I have not seen the signs? Sure, I had been busy, consumed with classes and studying. It was my first year of medical school, after all.
Still, I had been caught unaware. I stood there with my mouth hanging open while he said, “The engagement was a mistake. We’re too different. You and I. You’ve got your whole life planned out. You’re always so serious, so focused. You’re brilliant, and I’m just along for the ride. I wouldn’t even have gotten into UCLA if you hadn’t filled out my application for me. It’s time for me to go off on my own. Figure things out without you leading the way. We’re no good for each other.”
What a lie. He must have meantIwasn’t good for him, since I was sure that he was good for me. I adored him. Looked up to him. Couldn’t believe that he picked me. When he proposed, I had been so excited that I had gone out and bought a wedding dress the very next day. At least we never got as far as booking a venue.
Within a month of our breakup, he was back together with Sophie, and I was all alone.
Now, with Jax in the same room, I try to ignore him. I really do, but I watch out of the corner of my eye as he moves through his friends, exchanging high fives and hugs. When he reaches Sophie, they kiss.
I can’t take it anymore. I snatch my purse from the table, and, with my head down, push my way through the crowd. I don’t have a plan. Jenny drove us here, so it’s not like I can leave without her, but I have to get outside. My lungs are burning for fresh air. My eyes are burning, too.
