Page 66 of Holiday Star
After several minutes, he says, “I wanted to come here and apologize to you. First, for grabbing you at Shooter’s. I shouldn’t have touched you like that.”
I have a flashback then, of Caleb bathed in moonlight. His mouth on my arm, kissing fingerprint-shaped bruises in purple and blue. His voice, growling, “I’ll kill Jax if he ever comes near you again.”
But Caleb is a liar. He’s not here to protect me now.Is he?
Jax keeps talking. “Second is the thing I wanted to talk to you about at Shooter’s. It’s long overdue, but I need to say sorry for our breakup. I was awful to you.” He sneaks a look over at me while I keep my face impassive. “The worst part is that I left you thinking it was all fake. That I didn’t care.”
He stares openly at me, willing me to meet his eyes. “I cared. All those emotions I had for you were real. I just…got caught up in old feelings when Sophie said she wanted to get back together. Honestly, I always felt like you were out of my league. You’re so smart that I was convinced it was only a matter of time before you would dump me. She seemed the safer choice.”
I’m stunned because, as much as I hate to admit it, Ihavebelieved I’m smarter than Jax. Our entire relationship was built around the difference in our intelligence. I was the tutor, and he was the student. I had no idea he thought about that as well, didn’t know it bothered him. This admission doesn’t stop the burn of my anger, remembering how he broke up with me and how quickly he got together with Sophie afterward.
“I see you’re engaged to her. Congratulations. I don’t understand why you need to come tell me all this when you’re clearly happy.” Old resentment tastes sour on my tongue.
There’s a question that I’ve been wanting to ask but haven’t. I’ve been too afraid, not sure if I can trust him to answer honestly. But today my heart is already ruptured, the blood pouring out of all my emotional wounds, so I might as well add another cut to the collection. “Did you cheat on me with Sophie? You got together with her pretty fast after we broke up.” I can’t believe I’ve waited so long to say it.
His voice stays steady, as do his eyes. “No. I was talking to her when we were together, but I didn’t touch her until after we broke up.”
Not sure if that answer makes things better or worse. “You may not have cheated, but you still betrayed me,” I tell him evenly, and it’s good. To speak my truth for once. Not worried about how he might take it. Not worried about hurting his feelings. After all, my feelings matter, too.
I sit with his answer for a moment, letting it sink in. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he might not have physically cheated on me, but he was emotionally cheating. That makes me furious. The rage feeds into my devastation over Caleb, making it easy to lash out.
“I can’t stand how you used me, Jax. First for tutoring, but then for the rest of our relationship, I was the steady one. I listened to your dreams and complaining while you went out pursuing whatever passion project you were into. When I told you my worries, like my fear that I wouldn’t get into medical school, you dismissed my concerns. Acted as if my goals didn’t matter.”
“That’s because I was sure you’d make it into medical school. You studied so hard for it.” Jax crumples the hat still held in his hands. “About my engagement to Sophie, I’m not here to rub it in your face. It’s just when I saw you at Shooter’s, it all came back to me. Our history together.”
There’s an awkward silence, while I get hold of myself and calm down. Then I say, “I didn’t think that I was too good or smart for you. I thought the opposite.”
He snorts, incredulous. “Why?”
It’s embarrassing to talk about my insecurities, but I try. “You were so handsome and popular. I was a nobody. People only noticed me because I dated you.”
“Let me ask you a question.” He leans into my space. “DidImake you feel special?”
I remember all our years together and come up…blank? Jax hadn’t been an awful boyfriend, never abusive or cruel, but he could be shallow and selfish. Most of the activities we did were ones that interested him, not me. Now I can’t remember whose fault that was. Did he demand we do those things, or was I too timid to suggest alternatives? Either way, the result was that he rarely made me feel special.
The internal debate I’m having must show on my face, because he leans back with a look of bitter satisfaction. “Let me rephrase,” he says, frowning. “Did I make you feel special or was it theideaof me? The part of me that was good at sports and was chosen as prom king?”
That drops like a brick on my head.
I’ve told myself a story about our relationship. How it was pure, and I lost it. How he’d used me, and I was the victim. Jax’s questions challenge that belief. Back in high school, was I using him partly as a stepping stone to reach for popularity and acceptance? Yes. Am I using Caleb the same way? Absolutely not. I was telling the truth when I said I don’t care about Caleb’s fame.
“Honestly?” I ask, and he nods. “A little of both. It was nice to be seen, and that didn’t happen until we started dating, but I also likedyou. I admired you, how easily you get along with everyone.”
He smiles then, his eyes crinkling in the corners, exactly like I remembered. That smile used to send butterflies swirling through my body, but their wings don’t flutter now.
I stop to think about it and realize I used Jax in more ways than just for high school acceptance. He was an escape from my grief over Dad. A way to distract myself, to lose myself in another person so I wouldn’t be alone in my head.
Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe I wasn’t the victim in our relationship.Jax was.
“You know how my dad died before we started dating?”
He nods solemnly.
“I never told you, but I had a rough time dealing with my grief. To be honest, I’m still struggling with it. I even went to see a therapist back in high school.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Those brown eyes grow soft with concern.
“Not sure.” I look away and shrug. “Ashamed, I guess.”
