Page 66 of The Space He Left
"Yes, I did. I told myself it was just comfort, that it didn't mean anything because nothing sexual was happening."
"But it did mean something."
"It did. It was intimate in ways that had nothing to do with sex. It was emotional cheating."
I could see confusion flickering in Harper's eyes, like she was trying to understand something that didn't quite make sense to her.
"My therapist – Dr. Cox – explained to me what an emotional affair is. I didn't even know there was a term for it until he told me." I took a shaky breath. "An emotional affair is when you give someone else the intimacy, support, and emotional energy that should belong to your spouse. When you become emotionally dependent on someone outside your marriage, when you share things with them that you don't share with your partner."
I paused, knowing this next part would hurt her even more. "And Harper, I had thoughts I shouldn't have had. Not sexual thoughts, but... I found myself thinking about how Madison and I used to be together, wondering what things might have been like if we'd stayed together. I never actually wanted that – the best thing that ever happened to me was Madison leaving me, because it led me to you and Emma. But Dr. Cox made me examine why I was having those thoughts at all."
Harper's face had gone pale, but she stayed quiet, waiting for me to continue.
"He helped me realize it was because of the way Madison left back then. I'd promised her I'd be there for her forever, and then she just... disappeared. When she came back, it was likeI suddenly had the chance to be there for her again, to keep that old promise. Everything had changed. I wasn't eighteen anymore, I was married, I had responsibilities. But part of me was still that teenage boy who felt like he'd failed her."
"That's what you did with Madison. An emotional affair."
The words hung between us like an accusation, and I forced myself to meet her eyes. "That's exactly what I did. I gave Madison my emotional attention, my physical comfort, my time, and energy. I prioritized her feelings over yours. I shared her fears and held her when she cried, while you were home alone, dealing with pregnancy and preparing for our baby."
Harper's shoulders shook as she wiped her eyes, but the tears kept coming. When she looked up at me again, there was a raw desperation in her voice. "Why? Why did you think that was okay?"
"Because I rationalized it. Wrongly, completely wrongly, but I told myself that Madison had no one nearby to support her, while you had all our friends and the entire community rallying around you. I thought I could step back to help someone else and you'd still feel loved by me and supported by everyone else."
"So you thought I didn't need you because other people cared about me?"
The way she said it made me realize again how incredibly stupid my reasoning had been. I ran a hand through my hair, unable to look at her as the shame washed over me. "Yes. That was the most selfish, backwards thinking imaginable. You didn't need community support – you needed your husband. You didn't need other people to love you – you needed me to show up for you and our baby."
"But you thought Madison needed you more."
My head snapped up at the bitter edge in her voice. "At the time, I thought Madison was going to die, and she was all on her own. I thought you were strong enough to handle things withoutme for a while." I shook my head in disgust at my own logic. "I was completely wrong."
"Why, though, Jack? Why do you always think you need to save everyone?"
I took a deep breath, hearing Dr. Cox's voice in my head. "My therapist calls it a hero complex. I derive my sense of worth from being needed, from rescuing people. Growing up, I watched my dad drop everything to help neighbors, coach little league, fix Mrs. G's fence every time it blew down. Everyone always praised him for it, called him such a good man, such a pillar of the community. I learned that being the guy who saves the day gets you love and admiration."
Harper let out a short laugh, but there was no humor in it. "Jack, I could have told you that. You've been trying to save people since you were born."
"You knew? All this time, you knew I was like this?"
Harper looked at me like I was crazy. "Of course, I knew. But there's a difference between being generous and having no boundaries."
I stared at her, realizing she'd understood me better than I'd understood myself. "Dr. Cox made me dig into why I developed it. I realised seeing my dad get praised for helping everyone made me think that my value as a person was tied to how much I could do for others. But I never learned the difference between healthy helping and... this."
I paused, knowing this next part would be hard for Harper to hear. "Harper, I need you to know that Madison was calculating about this. She told me herself, after Emma was born. She'd been stalking your Instagram for months before she even contacted me. She knew exactly when our anniversary was, when you had appointments, birthing classes, important events. She scheduled her emergencies to coincide with those moments."
Harper's face went pale. "She planned it."
"Every bit of it. Your baby shower, your final prenatal appointment, even some of your doctor visits – Madison always seemed to have a crisis at exactly those times. She was trying to destroy our marriage by making sure I'd choose her whenever you needed me most in the misguided belief that we were meant to be together and would be once you were out of the picture."
"But Jack," Harper said, her voice steady despite her tears, "Madison couldn't have manipulated you if you hadn't let her. She couldn't have scheduled those crises if you hadn't been available to respond to them."
"You're absolutely right. Madison created the opportunities, but I made the choices. Every single time my phone rang with her name on it, I should have said no. I should have said, 'Madison, I'm with my wife right now, I'll call you back later.' But I didn't. I dropped everything for her, over and over again. I will never forgive myself for my actions and missing Emma's birth. Never."
Harper was quiet for a moment, processing this. Her fingers twisted the tissue in her hands until it shredded into pieces. When she finally spoke, there was something almost dry in her tone. "So when that viper called—"
I couldn't help it – I laughed. Not because anything was funny, but because Harper had used Sam's exact word for Madison, and somehow that tiny connection to my best friend in this moment of complete vulnerability broke something loose in me.
"What?" Harper asked, but I saw her lips twitch slightly, the ghost of a smile fighting through her tears.
