Page 82 of 7 Miles High
“I know you think I abandoned you. I know you think I disrespected you. I’m pretty sure you think I was disloyal. None of those things are true.”
Now I see a response. It’s disbelief with a serving of disgusted. I go on.
“Here’s what happened. As I came out of the bathroom at the wrap party, Nia went past me crying hysterically. Now, just the fact she was crying like that was unheard of. She’s not a crier. But I knew something bad had happened, so I followed her out to the lobby. She was drunk off her ass and I thought maybe she was thinking of driving. Anyway, what had happened was her mother had been in a car accident. It was a DUI and she was responsible. Nia got the call saying her mother was critical and not expected to live.”
Now for the first time I see a change in Natalie’s expression. Her set in stone mouth softens just a little. She’s listening at least.
“Nia wasn’t in any shape to drive, but she wanted to. It would have been irresponsible of me to let that happen. She wasn’t going to wait for a Teamster to drive her, or wait for anyone really. I took the keys and made the decision. I’d do it again.”
Natalie cocks her head as if to say, ‘I bet you would’. But I think my words are sinking in.
“When we got to the hospital they were applying the paddles to revive her. She died within an hour.”
The tears start falling on Natalie’s face, but her expression has remained stoic. I continue.
“You had my phone. I don’t know your number! You know that’s true. Could you recite your friends’ numbers if you had to? I know I couldn’t. We’re so used to tapping on a name we no longer memorize even the most important ones.”
“You could have called me in my room,” she says.
“I did! But you had that privacy block on it. Remember? You did that when we were about to make love. The front desk wasn’t working with me about disregarding your instructions. But even that didn’t stop me. I finally asked to speak to the manager to see if he’d deliver a note. But by then you had checked out! You checked out within a few hours of us being together. Christ, Natalie. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain what happened before you made your move. Nia has no hold on me of any kind. And you chose not to believe that despite what you know about me. I’m not your fucking idiot of an ex-husband. I’m not.”
I hear the anger in my voice rise. I can’t help myself. We look at each other wordlessly. Neither of us knowing how to proceed forward.
“How can we go forward when your trust for me isn’t solid? That bothers the shit out of me.”
I know I’ve said too much, but something came over me in the moment. All that I felt for the last few days and nights flew out of my mouth.
It can’t just be about what Natalie feels. I’m in this relationship too, and there are some things that I can’t be without. A love without trust is no love at all. I had thought about her always looking out for my reactions to other women and how that would suck for her. But there’s another fly in the ointment. I don’t want to be walking on eggshells around her either.
She stands silent. But I know everything I’ve just said is being processed. I hope she knows how much I love her, but it’s all or nothing. I’m going for the brass ring. If I can’t capture it, I’ll get off the ride.
