Page 51 of Until Now
“I’ll have that.”
As the young girl walks away, we return to the problem at hand.
“So, what are you going to do?” Wes says without mincing words.
July doesn’t protest his question, and neither do I. Maxen runs a hand through his thick hair and closes his eyes for a moment.
“I don’t know.”
Then all eyes are on me. On my reaction.
“What can he do? It’s something he’s worked hard for. I think he should take it.”
No one says a word. What are they going to say? Should he abandon his dream for me? Should I abandon mine for him? Would he leave his family for a second time, when it turned out to be a mistake the first time? And I know I can’t make Bing leave everything he’s known and everybody he loves for a new life we know nothing about.
And my practice? That’s my dream. I don’t want to abandon that either. That’s why I understand his tough position. Do we sacrifice what we’ve built for the dream that hasn’t come true yet?
“You know we’re with you two, whatever you decide,” Wes says.
“That’s right, honey. Just know we are in your corner. Maxen can come here for long weekends, same with you, Dominique. You’ll figure it out,” July adds, trying to soothe my soul.
We all know how weak that sounds. What kind of love is that? Being with each other on random weekends isn’t my idea of a relationship. It’s less than what love requires, and I know it. He does, too, by the look on his face.
Besides that, everyone is different when you only see each other occasionally. You’re on your best behavior; you put other parts of life aside for a few days to make room for the thing that pleases you most. It’s a kind of a false story that belittles what love is really made of.
The real is so much better and more powerful than the surface. The sad part of our story is that we both know we could have it all if only we were together. But damn, you’ve got to want it enough regardless of the cost. In my case, I have something greater to consider—my child. The sacrifice must be Maxen’s. Oh my God, I just realized that.
Our drinks arrive just in time to stop my tears.
* * *
I lay in his arms, tangled up in the sheets. This hotel business is getting old. Bing is staying at Kim’s for the night, and normally Maxen and I would be loving on each other. That’s not what’s happening here. We are deep in our thoughts, far away from the bed.
I want more. I want him in my bed, my house. But for tonight, I have to try to be in the moment because the moments are about to evaporate.
“You know I love you, right?” he says in low tones.
“Yes.”
He rolls onto his side and looks me in the eyes. “Dominique, don’t give up on me. Please.”
A sigh precedes my words. “I would never give up on you. But how will we survive being apart?”
“I can’t answer that except to say nothing is going to change how I feel. We have to have faith that we will figure this out. I believe that. Do you?”
I cannot form words. One fat tear runs out the corner of my eye and lands on his arm. My chin starts to wobble. Everything I believe about love is on the line. Does God love the sound of a broken heart? It’s when we are most human—understanding the gift’s worth when it can all be taken away.
Maybe it’s how we rise.
